


Stranger Than Your Sympathy

by ShyPumpkin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU-Non-Sburb, Angst, F/M, Gen, M/M, Second person POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-06
Updated: 2011-11-08
Packaged: 2017-10-21 02:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyPumpkin/pseuds/ShyPumpkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the struggle between Empress Feferi and Subjugglator Gamzee for control of the Trollian Empire, Threscutioner Karkat Vantas is forced to become a pawn in their game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

His words cut through the silence like one of your sickles, and there is a part of you that hates him for saying anything. “Tho, you’re officially going to be a theshcutioner tomorrow.”

You snort. There is something more hidden behind that tone. You abhor him even more for bite. Why won’t he just spit it the fuck out? You clench your teeth and draw a gentle hissing inhale. Your fingertips dance along the handle of your sickle and you eye him with an intense annoyance that even you can’t place the source of. Maybe it’s because he’s facing his fucking computer, not even looking at you as you have what will probably be your last face to face conversation ever. Why did you even bother coming out to his hive? “Well, congrat-u-fucking-lations on your recent certification from the University of Thtupid and Obviouth Commentth. Did they have to train you for sweeps in the growing art of being completely inept at every aspect of conversation? Or have you been a pro since you miraculously managed to crawl your way out of the caverns without being devoured?”

He scoffs at you and you can feel your pulse pick up speed as you hope for any kind of insult being thrown back. Somewhere in the back of your mind, something screams at you for your idiotic black infidelity and you push it off. “It’th called a converthation thtarter, KK, you dipshit.” His eyes still don’t pull away from the screen in front of him. He takes in a deep breath and the moment continues to linger. You wince. He should at least be looking you in the fucking eye.

When the hell did communication between the two of you get this strained? You grind your teeth and wonder if it’s because of his involvement with royalty. To get not only a Moirail but also a Kismesis in the royal court was unheard of. But, somehow the lisping asshole had managed. Fucking nook-noser. “I know what the hell that pathetic line was for, thanks.”

It suddenly dawns on you that he hasn’t been typing since way before this conversation even started and you wonder what the hell crawled up his ass and died. Another mood, no doubt. Thank god this is the last night you’ll be putting up with this bullshit. He sighs and, as if he read your mind, gives a few clicks at the keys in front of him. “Anyway, why don’t you thtop being an oozing bulge thore and tell me where you’re going to be thtationed.”

Again, with that tone. You grip your sickle so tightly that your claws wrap around into your palm and dig in. “Where the fuck do you think I’m stationed?” You pause, not knowing if you should bother with saying anything else but being consumed by the burning desire to shout "Yes, as far away as possible from you, fuckass."

Another few hushed clicks at the keyboard greet your ears before a staunch sigh overtakes them. “They’ll cull you there, KK. It doethn’t matter that you’re a theshcutioner or that Gamzee is your kithmethith. Being thtationed on a prithion planet meanth that in order to keep your rivalry alive, you’ll have to free lowbloodth prior to culling.” _Click click click._ Your eyebrow twitches. He’s not even typing anything. He doesn’t need to keep this show alive.

“Thank you yet again, you obvious fuckface. I didn’t know that I was marching off to my death. Oh? What’s that? If they ever see the color of my blood I’ll be culled? WHAT? Thanks, Tholluchth. I didn’t know.” You try to glare a hole through the back of his head and fail, much to your chagrin.

“Fuck, KK, everything ithn’t always about your blood.” Apparently, the typing ruse has been abandoned for rubbing his fingers against his temples. “In order to break idiots out of culling cellth, you would have to be able to thtay quiet. Dithcrete.” A bitter chuckle resounds off the walls, “Pluth, you’d have to get through my thecurity thythtem-” At this, he throws a condescending glance over his shoulder at you and you seethe, “Do I have to remind you what an awful hacker you are?”

“Shut the fuck up. I can take care of myself.”

He chuckles quietly to himself and the hate bubbles inside of you. _He doesn’t even begin to fit the bill as a kismesis._ The voice in the back of your mind reminds you, but you can’t stop the pulsing desire. “Believe me, KK. There are only four optionth for you. You’re either going to be a shitty kithmethith, break no one out, and Gamzee will kill you. Or you can get killed by the other theshcutionerth on your firtht attempt at freeing thomeone." You growl softly in the back of your throat. "Or you can be culled when the drone showth up for your flushed pail. Or-”

That’s it. In three steps, you’re across the room. Grabbing his shoulders, you spin his chair around. He looks up at you with an eyebrow cocked, as if daring you to try it. What it is, you can’t quite place. “What the hell is your problem? Stop broadcasting your disgusting black overtures at me.” He laughs at you and you could just reach out and punch him.

“You think I’m hitting on you, KK? Jeez, get over yourthelf. Ath if I would commit black infidelity for a nubby-horned, bulgelicker like you.” You sink your nails into his shoulders and he winces. _Thump, thump, thump._ Your heart pounds in your ears and ebbs in the tips of your fingers as the adrenaline starts to pump through your veins. _Stop, you fucking nook stain. Any fucker with two braincells could tell you this isn’t what you’re fated for and still you fucking persist._ He shoots you a trademark smile and you know the urge to take out those god damn teeth of his is just going to increase with his next comment. “Are you thure you’re not projecting?”

You growl and sink your claws in even further, only to be thrown off in bursts of red and blue punching you in the gut. “GET OFF.” You hit the floor and glare up at him, quickly grabbing a sickle and charging at him. In the bat of an eye, he throws you against the wall. The pain rocks through your body. For a moment, you can barely breathe. You try to move yet again and realize the fuckass has you pinned against the wall. “KK, you’re never going to thtop being an immature nook thniffer, are you?” You struggle against the bonds as he walks closer to you, picking your other sickle off the floor and running his fingers down the handle.

“LET ME FUCKING GO, YOU PERVERTED JACKASS.” Yelling is the only thing that prevents you from thinking about the excited tremors rocking through your body. He smirks and raises the sickle above his head. For a brief moment, you are terrified, but he just brings it down to pin your wrists against the wall. The red and blue light that surrounded you before flickers off and Sollux looks drained. You struggle against the sickle and yelp when it begins to cut into you. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. You can’t have red scabs on you. Not for tomorrow. You tremble again. _How fucking clever of him._

“Lithten, KK.” It feels like those red and blue eyes are boring into your soul, “You obviouthly thtill don’t underthtand shit, so let me explain it to you.” You open your mouth to speak and he clamps it shut with another burst of light. “THUT UP, KK. Lithtening ith a hard concept, I know, but shut your thtupid face gash and lithten.” The light dies down again. He starts talking again and it’s loaded with THAT tone. “You can’t go tomorrow. Not if you want to live. You’ve been too buthy angthting and rethigning yourself to your own death that you don’t even think that there could be a fourth option. But there is.”

You attempt to scoff, but it ends up just sounding like you’re clearing your throat. He releases your jaw and you allow it to go slack a few times before speaking. “Can I say something now, your highness?” He rolls his eyes and you continue, “You are the biggest idiot I’ve ever had the unfortunate fucking burden to know. Are you suggesting that I run? Wow, what a good idea, Captor. Sounds like I have a much better chance of surviving. Bravo. Say, did the royal guard send you to plant that idea in my mind so that they could get rid of me even sooner-“

He grabs your sickle out of the wall and throws it at your feet. “OUT.”

“What?”

He hisses and points to the door, “Leave, KK. I’m tired of your hoofbeatht shit. If you don’t want to lithten, then go get yourthelf culled.” When you refuse to move, he stalks back to his computer and starts typing again.

Back to the awkward silence. Fuck. “Captor, you-“

“No, KK, I don’t want to hear it. Leave.” _Click click click._

You turn to leave, but pause in the doorway. “Are we still friends?” He continues typing and doesn’t say a word. “Captor?”

“Whatever, KK. Jutht go.”

On your cold walk back bathed in the early morning glow, you wonder why your heart feels like it was just shattered into a million pieces.


	2. Slipping Away

****

2 sweeps later/ Fosifia

 ****

In your movies when someone was held in a cell or deserted somewhere, they would carve a dash in the wall for every day they were contained or abandoned. You now know that that is a crock of grade a bullshit, handed down to you by the gods of melodrama. The mistake is the writer's fundamental misunderstanding of how you will never fucking forget that wretched number of days you've been detained and just how many you have left. Sometimes, the number is all you can think of, it endlessly repeats in your head like an unforgiving metronome. Much to your disgust, you know that there are only a few days left until you stand in front of a loaded jury and they take you before _him_. Will he cull you? Or will he just keep you to torture you? Flashes of painful memories threaten to return and you want to scream out in terror and rage.

You drive your fist into the cold metal wall in front of you. It crunches nicely under your fist. Your hand ebbs with pain. You look down and see red pooling under the knuckles and you snort. This color has given you way more pain that it’s worth. Where would you be now if you had something normal? Surely, not the Kismesis of a Subjugglator. Definitely not leading a revolt against the empire. Probably not going to die in the matter of 13 more dashes on your mental death wall.

Your eyes study the color again and you wish you could just beat it out. Your fist angrily meets with the wall again and one of your knuckles scrapes. Good, you can fucking bleed out and drown in a puddle of your own disgusting mutant blood. It would be poetic justice far better than what you have in store. Your fist collides with the wall again, the sound echoing through the cell, and you have too much adrenalin pumping through your veins to even feel the growing pain in your fist. God damn disgusting mutant color that shouldn’t have even been allowed to see the light of day. Your fist comes into contact with the wall again, leaving a smear of blood against the wall. Out of the corner of your eye, a hologram of a blue blood flickers on and stands in the corner of your cell. _Oh great. This fucking bullshit again._

Her words are crisp, proper, and condescending. You wish you could actually strangle her. “The Prison Guard has taken note of your vandalism.” You stalk across the room and punch through her into the wall, “We must insist that you stop such pointless lowblood behaviors, lest you be relocated to a cell with tighter security.” You snort derisively and land another punch into the wall; there is no cell with higher security. Didn’t those snotty assholes know how to program anything?

You study your handiwork on the walls of your cell. Terezi would have had a fucking field day in here. She would probably melt from happiness with all the god damn red painting the walls. Too bad she is probably the one leading the case against you. You grit your teeth and punch the wall again, your knuckles dripping candy red all over the floor. It’s not like it fucking matters; you’re just going to be thrown to the Subbjugglator anyway. You place another punch firmly into the wall, your hand beginning to throb with pain as the effects of the adrenalin begins to die down. The hologram before you looks on right through you. “The Guards regret to inform you that they must take the proper measures and remove you to another cell. Goodbye.” The blue blood flickers off and another hologram takes her place.

“It has come to the attention of the medical staff that you might be attempting to end your own life prematurely.” You roll your eyes and wonder if it’s even worth it to punch the wall again. Your hand ebbs a pleading _no it’s not, you fucking ignorant asshole._ You look down at the bloody pulp that your knuckles have become and decide that you should probably ease up. It’s not like you have much time to continue. They’ll probably at least send a unit over to put handcuffs on you and yet another to bandage up your hands. They can’t have the leader of a revolt just die in his cell. “The Fosifian medical council reminds you that this is not permitted under the laws of the Empire and preventative measures must be taken.” For good measure, you give a kick through the hologram and stalk to an empty corner of your cell to sit down. “A unit will be dispatched momentarily for your care. Goodbye.” The blue light of the hologram flickers off, leaving your cell coldly dark again.

You look around and take note of the only two things that break up the gray metallic room; a fucking load gaper and a door. Did the door even count? You had many long debates with yourself concerning what did and what did not count as breaking up your cell and that was something you had never been able to decide. This is what you've been reduced to. Closing your eyes, the pain begins to wash over you and, for once, you hope that the medic team arrives quickly.

Christ, you are such a fuck up. You alienated all your friends, only successfully filled one quadrant, and couldn’t even manage to be a decent threshcutioner. You bring your knees up to your chest and bury your face in them. You can feel your vision starting to cave and you wonder how long it will take the medical unit to arrive. You think about everything you’ve ever fucked up and your stomach pools heavily with emotion.

Why did you get caught _this time_ when you’d freed everyone else so easily? How did they catch you? Your claws sink into your knees and your mind screams for you to remove them, but you don’t listen. Who the fuck cares. No one cares if you get hurt. No one pities you.

 _Pity._ You could have had a Matesprit. What if you had been open with Terezi? What if you weren’t such an ass to Nepeta? What if you would have caved to Eridan’s advances? A shiver of disgust runs up your spine, reminding you why you are in this position to begin with. You pick through the names of all your friends and think about how you fucked it all up with them. You grit your teeth as your mind lingers on a particular memory. _Sollux._

No one else actually broke the friendship off with you. Only him. Your best friend. You sink your teeth into your lip until you can taste the coppery tang of your own blood. What was he trying to say to you when you left? He was trying to help you and you just pushed him away. Like the fucking idiot past you was, you had to try hate flirting with him. A pang of guilt rocks through your body and you wonder if Sollux would even ever talk to you again. Not that it fucking matters. You’re as good as dead. _Fuck._ Your thoughts get overridden by the throbbing pain in your hand. You let sleep overtake you as you try to shake the image of Sollux at his computer with his back to you.

 _Alone. You’re going to die alone._

—

When you come to, your eyes almost overload from the bright white light bombarding you from every direction. In a fit of annoyance, you throw your forearm over your eyes. “Having trouble, Karkat? ” Your eyebrows furrow. You would know that voice anywhere. “They showed me your delicious cell, you know. You shouldn’t go dripping that candy red just anywhere. It isn’t very becoming!” Terezi cackles and an unfamiliar concoction of emotions wash over you.

“Shut the fuck up. It’s not like it matters anymore.” You remove your forearm from your eyes and blink twice, looking up at the toothy grin above you. Somehow, the years have made her look like even more of a predator and you wonder how the hell that was even possible, given that she always looked like a howlbeast ready to gobble up its next meal and destroy the land around it.

She laughs at you and your blood runs cold. This is how it’s always been and you know it, but right now it just seems so artificial to you. She leans over you and the two of you lock eyes. Even though you know she can’t see anything, it sends chills down your spine. “I never knew you could be so pathetic! The cherry-blood leader of the licorice-black rebellion is coated in the finest desire for death!” She laughs yet again and you start to wonder if she has fucking laugh turrets. “I would gladly give it to you, too.” She wags her finger at you, her grin not breaking, “You seem to have quite the penchant for breaking laws, Karkles.” You feel the urge to growl at that stupid nickname. How is that even a thing?

“And you seem to have quite the devotion to bending over and taking up the nook whatever the highbloods tell you to.” Her smile falters a little and you can feel your own smirk coming on, “Oh, what’s that, Grand Highblood? You want me to fucking cull others regardless of what they actually did? Oh. He he he he he. It’s like a loaded fucking coin flip. That sounds great, here let me lick your massive, engorged bulge. It tastes like-“

She cuts you off with a firm rap of her cane on the floor, a frown deeply pronounced on her lips. “You were always fun to get riled up when we were younger, but only because of my childish need to taste that fine color of red on your cheeks.” She cackles hollowly. _After the two of you broke up, you never did patch it up, did you, you bulge ooze. You fucking deserve this._ ”I’ve had my fill of that today and I don’t need to put up with you being a self-deprecating asshole with a black heart.” She clicks her boots on the ground on the tile floor. Your eyes flick around the room and it dawns on you; you’re in the local Hospital. Fuck, you were that bad that they actually moved you out? They never do that for criminals. She sighs and you look back up at her, her gloved hands gripping the top of her cane tightly. “I don’t need to deal with it anytime soon, either, as much as I would have liked to send you to the gallows.”

“What?” Disbelief washes over you. Why would they have dropped Terezi from your case?

She drops a container with your personal belongings on your chest and smirks as you grunt under the weight. “You somehow still have some friends in high places. Too bad, it would have been fun to spin the tale of your rotten deceit for the court as you turned the finest shade of candy red. But, I guess the Empress has better plans.” She sighs and your body goes numb in disbelief. You try to come up with something clever to say, but instead you sit with your jaw slack in disbelief. She holds up an envelope and studies it closely before letting it drop on your face.

You attempt to grab it, annoyed to find clunky bandages limiting your movements. Terezi just watches on with an amused smile as you attempt to open the envelope. You eventually manage to succeed in flipping the envelope over and break the seal, pulling out a letter of pardon. You can hardly believe it and read the simple inscription again and again, looking up only when you hear footsteps clacking towards the door.

Terezi laughs again as you look at her and places her hand on the door handle. No one is fucking with you. You’re completely free. A smile plays at her lips. “Bye, Black Cherry Syrup. Enjoy your freedom. Hehehe. Not that you have anywhere to go. Good luck dying elsewhere.”

The door swings shut behind her and you wonder what the flying fuck just happened as you study the letter in your hands. You turn it over and read it in full what feels like a hundred times. This wasn’t what you were expecting at all.

What the hell are you supposed to do now?


	3. The World Turned Over

_Dry. This planet is so fucking dry. It's like some fuckass took sandpaper and left it in the boiling hot sun and then charred it with the boiling innards of a hoofbeast for good measure._ You take in a deep breath of the desert air and shudder, _What the blister-licking fuck kind of service to the empire did they ever think they were doing by commandeering this fucking rock of rot, sand, and decay?_ With bandaged hands, you pull your shirt over your nose as the wind kicks sand up in your face. “FUCKING PIECE OF SHITEATING-”

“Sir.” You jump in surprise, snapping around and make eye contact with the crisply dressed woman next to you, her neon orange jumpsuit attempting to burn your eyes out with happy abandon. The color was a fucking tribute to the feeling you could only describe as reaping your soul straight out of your nose barrels as represented in the visual sphere.

You eye her and she flicks ash off her cigarette in annoyance. Just great. Another fucking lecture. “We appreciate if lower class jargon is not used within 60 yongers of the Space Embarkment SkyPort.” You bare your teeth at her, but she doesn't even flinch, looking at you with wide, unblinking eyes. She takes another drag of her cigarette and stares up at you, waiting.

“My apologies to the delicate auditory holes of the hoard of simpleminded prudes surrounding us. My thinkpan must be rotting out to have been so blind.” You hiss and beckon to the empty desert in front of the two of you, your hand eventually just indicating her. She shrugs apathetically, taking another long drag of her cigarette and blowing smoke out in your direction. You cough a little too loudly. She turns away.

You scan the offending color of her uniform again, annoyed by the small matching hat placed between her large twisted horns. For a moment, you feel smugly superior to her; you might have saved her friends or coworkers, a matesprit, or a moirail. But the moment retreats as quickly as it set on and you remember that you have been reduced to nothing at all. She eyes you suspiciously before stomping out her cigarette and retreating inside. You look away in disgust, out at the desert once more.

“What a nookmunching highblood-loving bi-” Another wave of sand gets kicked up in your face and you decide it's time to retire to inside the SkyPort. You follow the woman in and take a seat in one of the dingy black acrylic chairs that fill the port, looking out a large window at the sandy planet before you.

It's hard to believe that this was what Fosifia actually looked like all along outside of the prison-city's cold metal walls, robot guards, the screaming terror of lowbloods, and the court under the rule of the Sufferer. You hadn't seen this pitiful corner of the planet since you arrived 2 sweeps ago, high on all the dreams that were coming true for you. A revolting naïve lump of adventure and anticipation had tangled itself in your throat and you had actually been slightly impressed by this dingy SkyPort. _What a pathetic joke of a place._

You take in another deep breath and you can feel the growing apprehension in your chest. Free. Those assholes actually let you go free. You were sure that they would slip some poison in your food at the hospital or someone would come in to kill you in the night. You scoff at the thought. They must have been too fucking incompetent or apathetic to even attempt something there. _Or else they didn't care to get in the way of the Empress._

Still, you might as well have been dead. Who the hell would hire you now? Trying to get your job back would be a complete fucking joke. There is no one that would let you be close to the soon-to-be-culled now. Only the Rebellion had a spot for you- if anyone. You had racked your mind for Rebel leaders that you knew, but couldn't think of anyone that hadn't been culled or was waiting to be. Your claws dug nervously into the seat next to you as you retraced your mental steps once more throughout why you were in the SkyPort to begin with.

It all boiled down to who would shoulder the burden that was you. No one. Fucking no one. Your mind so helpfully reminded you again. Even if someone would take you in, you didn't even know where they were stationed. The only ones you knew the locations of were Terezi, Feferi, Eridan, Gamzee, and Sollux. Everyone else had completely fallen off the radar for you. Kanaya would have helped you. Aradia would have helped too. Why did you have to push everyone away when you were training to be a threshcutioner? What the fuck; did you think you were better than them?

“Lift off to Purpira is in 35 minutes. Please prepare for loading. If your ticket information has not been uploaded to your biochip, please see an attendant to clear you for boarding. Imperial Starlines reminds you form the boarding line in the proper order.” You sneer at that comment. You wonder if your chip has been updated to include your correct blood color. Either way, you'll be close to the back. “Thank you for your time.”

You lean against the chair back, absently running your fingers across the chip in your wrist. Goddamn thing made by imperialist bastards. _Glorified fucking tracking device. What a fucking hassle._ Suddenly, the images of the morning you had it inserted rush back in large waves. You close your eyes and tried to push the memory away, but it just invades your mind again, much to your chagrin.

Your aeortic pump would have exploded if it had been going any faster that night, you're sure of it. You had been sitting crosslegged on the floor across from Sollux, his hand firmly gripping your right wrist. There was something in the way he was holding on that annoyed you; it was far too tight, almost _protective._ When his thumb began rubbing your wrist softly, you should have screamed at him to let go, but instead you just glared at his toothy grin, too busy trying to forget about the Chip Compressor Gun in his other hand. You made the mistake of looking up into his eyes. You became oddly self conscious, fear prickling down your spine. _That smug nook whiffing bastard. I know that fucking look._ It's like he wanted to inflict pain on you. _That's not true, you ignorant grubfisted bulgelicker. He put himself in a lot of fucking danger forging that data for you._

You frown and try to push the memory away, but the turbulent emotions of that moment crash over you, drowning out all other sounds in the SkyPort. Maybe it had been the way you were sitting with him that night that freaked you the hell out. It was too close, too intimate. It was flirting on the edge of what the two of you would become later that sweep when you completely wrecked everything you had with him. That night, though, it was all that asshole's fault.

He had leaned in far too close to you, your faces a mere inches apart. “It'th going to be fun to make you blubber about how much it hurtth.” He laughed and you try to rip your wrist away. He just tightened his grip. “Jethuth you dumbath, jutht hold the fuck thtill. Thtop thquirming. Or does little wriggler KK have to vithit the load gaper? Ehehehe.”

“Shut the fuck up. You're just holding on too fucking tight. Why don't you stop trying to cut off my circulation while considering how much it makes you want to polish your bone bulge and maybe just finish doing this without molesting me.” You squirmed in his grasp and he used the opportunity to pull your wrist closer to his chest.

“KK, you know you love it when I hold your hand.” You bared your teeth at him and that just made him laugh again. Him and fucking Terezi were just happy-go-lucky laughing machines. Put another quarter in, get some more toothy grins and evil laughs. Sounds like the best fucking carnival.

For a moment, your eyes snap open and your are pulled out of the memory, Gamzee's paint-smeared face looming down at you, his hands about your throat, “Are you ready to go to the best motherfucking carnival, best friend?”

Your throat is tight and you feel like you can't breathe. Oh god oh god oh god. Anything to get your mind off of him. Quickly, your mind rips you back to the other memory and it comes in a slurred whir.

“Captor, just put the god damn chip in before I do it myself.”

He swings you and and placed you between his legs, your legs over his right leg and your back leaning against his left, his arm wrapping around the back of your shoulders. The heat rose to your cheeks as you swore and flailed in protest.

_The best fucking carnival for the best of my motherfuckers._

You could hardly remember how long it took, but you remember the feeling of extreme pressure as he shot the chip into your arm. You yelped in pain, your head falling sideways onto his shoulder. Sollux's fingers came up and intertwined with your hair. “There, thee KK? You don't have to be tho pathetic. I know it hurt, but it would have hurt a lot more if thomeone else would have done it. You would have been royally fucked without me. Ehehehe. You thould be glad that I obviouthly don't treathure my own life to worry about being caught forging biochipth for an idiot like you.”

You had waved that comment off at the time and said something stupid, pushing him off of you as soon as you had enough strength and coherent thought to do so. Now, it's one of those stupid thoughts you keep mulling over again and a-fucking-gain. Had he done it out of pity? You fell something churn uneasily in your digestive bile sac and you close your eyes tightly. You had been such a fucking idiot when he left that night.

_Are you all up on miracles, bro? I know I'm getting all anxious getting my wait on like this._

You pressed your forehead against the window and didn't even look at him. He said something to you and you grunted in response. What a fucking wriggler you were. In your mind's eye, he goes and loneliness wells up inside your soul far higher than before. A hole is growing inside of you and Sollux Captor is the one ripping each bit off. Another strand of sanity fades into the abyss of confusion and you are lost. The night shuts in on you and you move your mouth to speak. His figure walks off into the night, away from your respiteblock, out of your yardring, gone, gone, gone.

_Don't worry my best man, you don't got to be all patient and waiting for me. Honk honk honk._

Could just a word call Sollux back to you? If you screamed out, would he turn around? You open your mouth to speak, but it's all dry pins and needles. Maybe, just a word and he would come back and wrap his arms around you again. Hadn't he done all that for you? What the fuck was he doing if he didn't pity you? Your head is spinning. If you just-

A crisp male voice booming through the SkyPort brings you back to reality. “We will begin by boarding quadrantmates of the Royal Family. We thank the bluebloods for their patience and assure you that the wait will not take much of your precious time.”

A pit grows in your stomach and you start to regret your choice of fleeing to the Royalty. But they were the only ones who had extended you any sort of kindness since you left Alternia. That doesn't mean they wanted to fucking see you. ...What if they don't?

Too many questions spin around in your head. “We welcome all bluebloods to board the shuttle. Thank you for your patience.”

You don't even know if Feferi would take you in; is it insulting to arrive at the royal palace and beg for pity when so much has already been given to you? What of seeing Sollux once more? Would Gamzee come after you?

The questions were starting to make you sick. “Final boarding call for Purpira.”

It seems like you are up the metaphorical long, thin body of water without a oblong wooden stick to thrust your Marine Embarkment unit back to shore. Numbly, you march forward towards the boarding site, not knowing if what you're doing is even close to right. _It's the only choice you've got, fuckass, so stop thrusting your thumb up your shame-encrusted nook and deal with the idiotic choices you've made._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Thank you all so much for your bookmarks, comments, and kudos. They mean so much to me. I never feel particularly happy with these chapters, so knowing that someone is makes me grin! :D


	4. Weak and Starving for Mercy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I've ever wrote Feferi or Eridan. I am a bit nervous about my characterization. ;o; /actively feels awful for the way she treated Eridan and momentarily considered changing this fic to EridanxKarkat, but decided another way to give ED his own/ For the record, this chapter marks me publishing on here all the chapters published on LJ, so updates will slow to maybe once a week. I hope you are enjoying it so far! Thanks for all your feedback! :D

The guard in front of you stares you down with eyes that bore into your soul. You know you should move. You've been standing still in front of the Gates of the Imperial Throne Room for what fells like sweeps, gawking like a freshly hatched wriggler. The guard clears his throat. “Loitering outside of the Imperial Throne Room is not an advisable action and will not insure the stable continuation of your life cycle.” You grit your teeth. That is the fifth fucking time he's said that since you've arrived. He looks at your eyes, probably searching for your blood color. Luckily, you were never stripped of the dark maroon contacts that Terezi had secured for you, back when she didn't mind bending the law and didn't just bend over for it. “Lowblood, if you wish to proceed, you must go now. Will you be humbling yourself before the Empress in a plea of mercy for your state?”

You consider challenging the guard, but note the fucking terrifying trident in his hand. You meet his light blue eyes and scowl. “Yes, I do intend to submit myself, oh great highblood.” You say the mocking sentence flatly flatly, but the guard fails to detect the bitterness in your tone. Instead of culling you for disrespecting an individual of a higher status, he swings the door open and gestures for you to enter without a sense of scorn. A true fucking professional.

“Please proceed, lowblood. I hope you are cultured enough to understand how to properly grovel before the Empress for your sad excuse for existence.” You bow mockingly at him and stare into the throne room.

Feferi isn't just some half-psychotic, bubbly, fish pun-spouting chick that you occasionally pestered online anymore. You couldn't just saunter up to the throne like it was some kind of hoofbeast stall, sit down next to her, and tell her what a fucking moron she was even if you thought so. Shit had quickly blown way out of fucking proportion and you felt really awkward as you shuffled in place in front of the entrance to the imperial throne room. Many trolls would kill to be here, most would never be able to stand even on Purpira in a million sweeps, but here you fucking were, showing up unannounced like you owned the god damn place. How the fuck were you supposed to approach her now? What the fuck is this that you're even considering. Going up and bowing to one of your friends? The Guard raps his Trident on the ground, startling you. “Proceed, lowblood.” He snarled, obviously impatient with you. Fighting the urge to flip him off and cram the trident up his nook, you clear your throat and turn into the throne room.

 _Fuck. How the hell is this thing so vast._ The length of the room is obnoxious, the primary splash of color due to a purple carpet dividing the room in two, stretching the length to the barely visible set of two thrones.

You take in a deep breath and stride forward, secretly hoping to slay all the guards who are eying you suspiciously due to your lack of professional uniform. All you have is an old, wearing hole-ridden black long sleeved shirt adorned with a fading gray print of your symbol. _The symbol of the head rebel... what a joke._

 _Squeak squeak._ With each step, your canvas Absconding Super-Jump shoes moan out the tale of your downfall from threscutioner-stardom glory to that asshole without a station. Yet another loud creak of your shows resounds against the royal fabric roll that surely cost more than everything you had and would have ever owned, given your life hadn't been crushed under the bowel-churning reality that had so lovingly been handed down to you from the gods of assholedom themselves.

The forms in the thrones are now visible as your old friends, Feferi and Eridan. Eridan looks surprised-dare you say pleasantly- to see you and Feferi looks like the unsupressable ball of energy she always had been.

“Karcatfish! I'm so EXCITED to sea that you came here!” Feferi bounds up from her throne with a giggle and you wonder how the hell she can be 10 sweeps old, let alone the ruler of the largest known empire in the Tri-Galactic system. You try to suppress the urge to roll your eyes at the only troll who managed to stand between you and the gallows, but fail miserably. She doesn't seem to notice your attitude and proceeds to leave the throne. Eridan looks shocked, reaching his hand out at her, grabbing her wrist “Fef, you knoww you ain't supposedda get up from the throne like you're his equal a somethin.”

Feferi throws a glare over her shoulder and Eridan freezes. “I don't give a glub about how a LEECH like YOU thinks I should do MY job!” His face turns pale as he lets her wrist slide out of his hand and she snaps back to you with a grin.

As if remembering her place, she begins to walk slowly, almost sensually towards you. “Karcrab, welcome to Purpira!” She beams. “We've been waiting for you to wash up here!” She giggles and you suddenly take in how much taller she is than you. God fucking dammit what kind of growth-enhancing grub juice has she been sloshing across her gills?

You drink in the vastness of the throne room with your eyes and can barely fathom the hideous beauty of it. Never could you have imagined a room carved out of the corpses of culled grubs to be so spectacularly beautiful. Feferi notices your eyes trailing down the walls as she gets close to you and she frowns deeply in apology. “We've been trying to get the glubbing throne room to look less like a murder pile, but it's had this shark feel-” your eye twitches. You can't replace “dark” with “shark”. That just doesn't make any sense. But, you guess you can let it slide for the Empress- “ever since ancient times!”

“It's not that bad, Fef. I think it's a little homier this wway.”

“You would thay that, you murderouth athhole.” _That voice. That bloody goddamn lisp._

You search the room for him and find him leaning against a pillar. Your body goes cold as your eyes hit him. Everything in the room tears away and only you and him remain, his cold eyes cast at the ground in apathy. What an absolute grubfucker. He can't even look up at you after all these sweeps of not seeing you. _Who the hell blames him, you're too much of a nookdrip to pay any sort of heed to._ A pang of hatred shakes through your body and the sheer gravity of the emotion threatens to demolish your entire being, ripping you apart at the seams.

Suddenly, Feferi's arms are around you, blocking out your view of him. “I am reelly glad we caught you. I was afraid you would just swim off into the cosmic ocean, deep into the darkness and we would neeeever see you again.” Holy fucking shit, she is hugging you so tight you think you forgot how to breathe. “But! Instead you came to us. This is wonderful! Everyone is going to be so happy to see you! Right, boys?”

 _Wait. Everyone? What the fuck._ You peak beyond Feferi to see Eridan nodding, obviously bored out of his mind.

“Yeah Kar, swwear to cod, it's been a little borin here lately.” Sollux scoffs in response and begins walking towards you. _Ba-dump Ba-dump_

“What the hell do you mean 'everyone?'” You attempt to say as cordially as possible as your exfriend gets within spitting distance of you, ignores you, and saunters past you towards the exit. Your rage builds. _Why the hell would he want to talk to an idiot like you who threw it all away sweeps ago anyway._

Feferi looks over your shoulder towards Sollux, a deep frown spreading across her face. She sighs heavily and looks back down to you, “You didn't think you were the only one who needed a bit of a safety net from the old ways of the Empire, did you Karcarp?” Something akin to relief stirs inside of you as you wonder who else could have possible fled to the protection of the Empress.

Feferi laughs softly, her hand covering her lips. “Aww! I forgot what a cute little angry puffer you can be! All points and looking buff, but really you're just a little guy! Even though I just told you something really great, you still look a little annoyed!” You scowl at her, biting back an insult.

Behind you, the voice of that ignorant douche of a Guard echoes through the throne room. “Empress. Your General has returned. She requests an audience. Alone.” Your eyebrows furrow. Who the fuck is the Grand General of the Empire? _Who says you even know who she is? It's not like Feferi only had your friends to appoint after all._

Feferi sighs, pouting furiously and you look up at her in question. “Figures! Way to ruin the reunion. Ah well.” She tousles your hair and you grimace. She turns back to her throne. “Eridan, will you give our new friend a proper welcome and take him around the palace?”

“But Fef, I was hopin that I could-”

“Glub glub glub. What did I say about you always glubbing at me, tuna breath?” Eridan sighs and stands, brushing off his royal garb and straightening his cape.

You couldn't have imagined exactly how awkward it would be to process slowly out of the Throne Room with the Prince of the Empire, but the fact that the Prince was Eridan should have clued you in on this face. Thankfully, he leads you to a closer door than the one you orignally came through. When you are out in the hallway, Eridan finally speaks up.

“Wwell, I guess I should'vve been wwelcomin you too, Kar. I hope you don't find it reel wweird for me to be sayin this, but you look pretty good for all that hell you'vve been cast into.” What the fucking hell? Is he already coming onto you? Your eyebrows twitch in annoyance.

“I don't need your fucking pity, Eridan. We went over this before, ten fucking sweeps ago when I rejected you before you even made the unfortunate decision to hatch. Do you think that I've suddenly come around to pitying you? Oh how fucking awful it is that he gets to live in a palace on Purpira while I rot awat attempting to sweep the dirt of the Empire under the goddamn plush, floral floor covering. How rough Eridan has got it.” You say, the comment coming out far weaker than you would have thought it to. _Fucking pitywhore. You're just covering up that you don't want it; you'd take it from anyone at this point and you know it._

Eridan stops and looks at you with an expression you can't place and you know you're going to hate what he has to say. "Jeez, Kar. I didn't knoww you felt that wway. I mean, it is pretty difficult livvin in this palace. Fef's bein pretty distant lately and she just is always glubbin at me. Don't even get me started on Sol. He-" You growl out a warning and he blinks before clearing his throat. "C'mon, Kar, I'm not some sort of bottom feeder handin out complements like they mean nothin."

"Like fucking hell you aren't. You act as if I don't know your game." He lets out a whine and you shoot him a warning glare, shutting him up right away. The two of you continue to shuffle down the hall and the air is dense. It's like you barely know him any more. It's not that the two of you were terribly close to begin with, but you shouldn't feel this awkward around people who used to be your friends.

It's him who breaks the silence. "You knoww, I hear they do some pretty nasty stuff to them guys in culling cells."

You roll your eyes in annoyance. Seriously, this asshole knows all of the wrong buttons to push. "Yeah, well, people would rather get a crusty bulge ramming deep into their waste chute than stand up for the soon to be culled."

He clears his throat and shoots you a disapproving look. "What, douchenozzle?"

"Wwhale," You shoot him a glare and his response dies down in his throat with a sharp click. "Wwhat, Kar, I just wwas going to ask-"

You snarl. The last thing you need right now is to be reminded of the fucking hell hole that you threw sweeps of your life into. You don't need to think of the horrible things that you watched happen to your friends- good trolls who just happened to be born with the wrong color pulsing through their veins- and the awful, slow and torturous fate that befell them. You don't need to think of their blood on those merciless gray metal walls, Terezi's mechanical laughter resounding through the complex, the harsh cold, raw strength of the guard's hands sinking into your shoulders and dragging you to the culling cell, the faint sounds of honks when he came-

A recuperacoon. Some sopor to sink into, take the pain away, ebb some of the pain away. That's all you need. _No, no anything but sopor._ A hand comes down on your shoulder. "Kar? Is there somethin wrong?" Your eyes snap up to Eridan and he recoils in shock.

"I thought you were supposed to be showing me around the Magical Emporium of Highblood Paradise Playtime Wonderland, not sticking your gills into my seed flap and trying to swim around in hopes of catching the holy fucking grail of prison abuse. If you really give a fuck, go to Fosifia and look in a culling cell for yourself." You spit, sounding more tired than bitter. _When the fuck did you get so jaded?_

Eridan tugs at his lip with his teeth, looking incredibly guilty just for asking. For a moment, you feel bad at yelling at someone who just seems to want to help you. What an idiotic asshole you are. He really DOES pity you and you can't even accept his good fucking will.

"Sorry." You snarl and it barely sounds sincere, but his face lights up at the word like it's the fucking perigee.

"You don't gotta apologize or anythin, Kar, I really wwas stickin my gils where they don't belong." He looks aside, his fingers toying with his decorative spear. _Maybe he's more like you than you originally thought._ A shiver runs up your spine.

You snort. "I thought you wanted all the lowbloods gone, anyway. What are you doing trying to feel bad for me, Ampora?"

"Kar, that wwas a long time ago when I was tryin to get with Vvriska. I knoww noww howw stupid that wwas."

You stop and look at him, crossing your arms tightly across your chest and sizing him up. "How'd you get so different? What's your fucking game?"

"Ehehehe, he'th not too different than before. And for that matter, neither are you."

You freeze and snap around, Sollux staring right through you to Eridan. His eyes flick to you and you freeze, a chill running up your back as you make eye contact for the first time in sweeps. _How the hell does he do this even after all this time. He's pulling you right under again, drowning you in sorrow._

Eridan's tone turns bitter. "Stay out of this. Can't you see that I'm trying to talk to Kar?"

Sollux scoffs and your blood runs cold when his shoulder collides with yours as he moves along down the hall. If only you had your sickle, that idiot wouldn't know what fucking hit him. You would do it this time. It wasn't some kind of empty threat marinating in half-baked black overtures. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU WRIG-"

Is he fucking _smiling_? Did he just ignore you again.Your blood boils as his eyes slide up and down Eridan's figure. "...more like trying to get at the most pitiable idiot in the galaxy's bulge."

Your heart skips a beat. _Most pitiable idiot in the galaxy?_ "Sollux, you ignorant piece of rotted excrement, what the Mother Grub-loving hell are you even-"

"Kar, I got this." Eridan throws a look at you, striding with purpose in front of you and baring his teeth. Is he fucking posturing to protect like you're his matesprit? It doesn't even phase Sollux and you are overcome with rage. _You act like he should care but you're just a fucking nobody to him. You're just some dumbass who used to be his friend, tried pulling him out of his quadrant, and now means nothing to him._ "Sol, keep your disgustin landdweller breathing apparatus-"

A smirk curls at Sollux's lips and you bitterly wish you had been the one to put it there. "It's called a nothe, ED, and you have one too-"

"Wwell, keep it out of the business I have with Kar, which just so happens to be something that Fef told me to be doin and therefore vvery important." Sollux shrugs and continues down the hallway, paying no attention to you still. That infuriating fuckass.

"Knock yourthelf out." He's gone and you don't know how to feel. In your chest stirs an awkward concoction of relief, deep melancholy, and bitter rage. You cannot reconcile the feelings and they just churn there, waiting for something familiar to surface, but to no avail.

Eridan turns back and looks at you. Your eyebrow twitches in annoyance. _How is smugly apologetic even an expression someone can have?_ "Sorry about that, Sol can be-"

"I didn't need you to protect me." You snap and his eyes go wide in surprise. "I don't care how often you and Sollux bump bulges or what gets your hate boner popping or how big and pointy your bulge-compensation spear is, I can take care of my goddamn self."His face falls and you feel like an asshole. Because you are. You sigh, immediately regretting the word vomit that just fell out of your protein chute. "Just take me to my respiteblock." He nods and the rest of the short walk is filled with all too much awkward silence. _There you go, you backwards shit-for-brains shame-globe sucker, you're fucking shit up again. Great job._

"Here you are." He beacons to a purple door that slides open as he extends his hand. The room is a little small, but surely a godsend and fucking amazing compared to what you've seen lately. In the one corner is a recupracoon, in another a desk with a complementary Trollian Holographic interface on the surface and an attached chair. You step into the room and your eyes bounce around to the load gaper, the abulution trap, the small thermal hub... and you decide you can bother with this shit later.

You turn to ask your tour guide a question, surprised to find that he has turned to retreat down the hallway. Sticking your head out, you call out after him. "Hey." You say roughly and turns around with a hopeful look on his face. You feel a creeping sense of annoyance and guilt. "Wwhat is it, Kar?"

"Is there anything I have to do for you all for this or what?"

Eridan frowns, seemingly upset that your question didn't entail other things and you push down the mixed feelings you have about his pity. "Fuck if I knoww Kar, she doesn't tell me nothin if it ain't got to do wwith me."

You roll your eyes. "Thanks anyway, fishface." Did he just pout? Jesus fucking Troll Christ.

"Bye, Kar. Havve a good rest."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." You peek your head back into your room and the door slides shut behind you with a definitive _Whir Click_.

Alone. Again. A sense of bitter relief washes over you and your mind flashes over the events of the day. You can barely wrap your think pan around it and with each flash of another memory, the act of thinking begins to make your head ache. Shit, just go to sleep.

Your eyes flash between the chair and the recupracoon and you try to discern the better choice for your nap. The idea of the recupracoon simultaneously appeals to you and sickens you, recalling memories you would rather not think of. _It's just getting into the sopor that is so bile-retching and horrifying but in the end it will make for a better night. Stop being such a ignorant, whiny pansy._

Sighing, you pull your shirt over your head and cast it aside, the dank smell of the garment making you wrinkle your nose in disgust. Hopefully they will give you something better to wear. Something a little newer, a little less repugnant, something that makes you feel like you _belonged_ somewhere again.

 _Do you think you BELONG here? What a fucking joke._ You work your way towards the recupracoon, kicking off your shoes, socks, and pants in a long trail behind you. At least Eridan and Feferi seemed happy to see you... and, it seemed, there would be others. But that it isn't enough. It can't be enough. _You're such a moron. How fucking stupid can you be to let him be the only one that you can even see?_

You peer over the edge of the foreign recupracoon, looking down at the sopor with a grimace. _It'll be better if you just go. Gamzee isn't here, you fuckass._ You suck in a deep breath, and feel a scream climbing up your throat as you take the plunge. As the green slime wraps around your naked form, you can feel your mind start to calm. You close your eyes tightly and all you can think about is Sollux avoiding you. Sollux, not looking at you and barely acknowledging your presence. Sollux talking about you in fucking front of your face like you weren't even there. _And he called YOU the wriggler._

That apathetic expression of his pops up in your mind's eye again and your pulse accelerates out of control. You cannot help but to feel enraged. If only you could shake him into feeling something, enrage him to hate you, spill your blood to get him to pity you. If only he noticed you, if only you were worth his time of day to pay any heed to. But you are nothing but a worthless shit stain on god's underwear to him. If only you knew a way to agitate him, invoke some sort of emotion. Maybe if you chased after him right now, you could track him down, grab him, and scream in his face until he just paid an ounce of fucking attention to you, his ex-best friend. Instead you just curl up in the slime, feeling hopeless and hollow as you settle in to the unfamiliar recuperacoon. You're in a foreign place, surrounded by people and yet all alone. This is the last thing you wanted.


	5. Fill Me With Your Poison

Your hand shakes as you jerk your forearm up, waving it impatiently from side to side in front of the biochip scanner. Your eyes dart about frantically, anxiously sweeping the hallway for signs of followers. _Godfucking dammit, this bullshit never gets any easier._

Swallowing a lump in your throat and praying that no one did follow you, you wave your arm in front of the scanner again. “Come on, let me the fuck in, you useless solidified puddle of festered nookspooge.” You scan the empty passageway once more and bring an aggravated fist down onto the scanning console. The door slides open slowly and you grab at it, trying to force it open quicker. “Fucking finally.” Your triumphant entry is interrupted as electronic voice booms throughout the compound, your breath catching in your throat. “Flaysquad 23 Commander Vantas, you are clear for entry.”

 _It knows who you are._ In sheer horror, you realize that everything has gone irrevocably wrong. Momentarily, you consider running. You could find someone, tell them it was all a big mix up, grovel before the authorities for mercy. But you can't run this time. Not today. The mission is indispensable. You can't stop, regardless of what will surely be a mark against you in your records. _Or more._ You can't shake the feeling that this is too fucking _familiar_ , like you're watching a ship crash in slow motion and you can see each crease in the hull coming before its even there. You are left helpless to watch in horror as each second your predictions spring to life.

You storm into the room, hurriedly mashing the buttons on the console by the door with reckless abandon. The console emits a series of annoyed beeps and half sentences; “clear for en-,” “this level is for-,” “room breech is-.” The door locks click shut and you watch the console nervously. “Password accepted. Please proceed to the Communication Deck.”

“Yeah, that's fucking right you insolent piece of hoofbeast shit.” You hit the console once more for good measure before stomping into the Communication deck. Your eyes dart frantically about the room before you mash an all too familiar combination of buttons and a light above you flickers to life. “Please proceed to the Two-Way Communication Platform. You will be connected to cell 643 momentarily.”

You jerk your cape off your shoulders, throwing it over your head as a makeshift hood before rushing up a set of stairs to the platform, your boots clanking loudly against the surface, sending echoes throughout the compound. You don't have much time. With each step, you can hear your doom, the moans of the ancient steps forecasting your downfall. You can feel it. Tonight, something is going to happen. Tonight, it's all wrong.

When you reach the top of the stairs panting, the screen flickers on, a gaunt, wide-eyed copperblood looking down at you, pleadingly. _Tavros._ Your bile pump stops thumping.

This is the night. The night you were caught. Or more, it's an echo of that night. This isn't quite right. You know it can't be right when the hand that comes down on your shoulder is dripping sweat, the touch crippling. _Equius._ You snap around and see the blueblood towering over you, much in the same way Feferi does, except with far more malice and far less sympathy.

You struggle against the grip, but it is useless, a growing pain in your shoulder alerting you to the idiocy of your flailing. He drags you against the floor, down the stairs, and far, far away from where you are supposed to be.

_No, this isn't at all how this bullshit went. This is some kind of awful daymare. An awful fucking daymare-_

“Equius! Purrease don't!” Nepeta skips along side of you, her shrill voice echoing throughout the compound. “Karkitty was just helping our furrends! Purrease, purrease, pleeeeeease.” Her cries sound hysterical as she clings to his other arm, nuzzling it in an attempt to distract him. “Isn't it pawsible to furgive him? Please, Equius! Forgive Karkat! Please!” She looks up at Equius with big eyes, her cries increasingly frantic, but he ignores her, charging forward and dragging you, your armor practically choking you. Your throat tightens. You can't breathe.

_It's just a fucking daymare. Wake up, just wake the fuck up, bulgereek._

A gavel comes down hard against a metal stand and Terezi leans over the edge of it, laughing hysterically. Her red eyes glint down at you soullessly, her teeth flashing under the light of the examination room. “As you can see, Your Honorable Tyranny, the cherryblood just can't resist the siren call of death!” Her laugh rings throughout the room, attacking you from every corner.

 _Bang Bang Bang._ Each rap of the gavel shakes through your body. Your eyes snap frantically about, down at the cuffs around your wrists, up to the crustacean taking up the entire room. Your blood pump throbs with fear as the creature gurgles, your ex-matesprit's laughter mirthfully filling up the court. She straightens up, her tone childish and taunting. “The verdict has been made!”

_What the pail licking fuck are you doing? Open your goddamn eyes._

The sound of footsteps comes up behind you and you try to move, but you are frozen in place. If you could just turn a little, see what's coming, bring your leg out, kick it away- maybe scream and run or-

“Well if it isn't my best little motherfucker.” His voice is dangerously smooth, his large arms wrapping around you, far larger than you ever imagined them being. You can't move. _Oh god oh god oh god._ In his eyes, there is a dark glint and you open your mouth to scream, but nothing comes out.

_WAKE THE FUCK UP._

Gamzee leans in to whisper in your ear and your body manages a shiver. “It's about time we all up and got our fun on.”

The sound of your own screaming reverberates off the walls of your respiteblock and you emerge from the slime, gasping and clambering at the walls of your recoupracoon. You pull yourself over the edge, falling with a hard _thud_ onto the floor, gasping and squirming, naked on the floor. Clawing desperately at the cool metal tiling beneath you, you cannot crawl away from that sopor hellbath fast enough, images from the dream and memories too gladly forgotten popping up in hot flashes, making your think pan ebb with pain. The cold metal floor feels like surreal underneath your hands, as if you left reality behind in the nightmarish dreamscape you just emerged from. Your curl up in a ball in the corner, tremors shaking throughout your body as you can't quite dispose of the idea that you're bound to return to that wasteland.

You barely register the sound of your door sliding open, noticing only when the clicking of boots against the floor rushes towards you. “Kar...” Eridan. He speaks softly, worry permeating his tone. You look up at him in a daze, and fear inexplicably boiling out of control inside of you.

“Get the fuck out of my respiteblock, unless you want my fist so far up your nook you can taste shit in your protein chute.” You snap, but he looks unperturbed.

_As you can see, Your Honorable Tyranny-_

You begin to shake, your hands coming up to hold your head tightly. His arm wraps protectively around your shoulders and he draws you to his chest. Instinctively, you push him away with all the force you can muster, backing up further into the corner, and baring your teeth. “Are you at all capable of listening? I said, get the fuck out and keep your filthy shame-globe fondling hands off of me.” You hiss sternly, puffing up in an attempt to look bigger than you actually are. _As if that would terrify anybody, you fucking sad excuse for a troll._ Your head threatens to split open and you cradle it in your hands, your fingers rubbing at your temples.

_The cherryblood can't resist the siren call of death! Hehehehehe._

The thoughts churn around in your head, the emotions from the dream still dominating the ones you feel in reality. _You're going to die. You're going to die and there is nothing you can fucking do about it._ “Are you doin alright?” He sounds distant, as if he were yelling at you from across some canyon. The cadence of your raspy breathing will not die down and you curl back up into yourself. You keep your unfocused eyes wide open, begging that the images of the dream won't continue playing like a fucking horror movie festival hosted on the back of your eyelids.

_Best friend, why you all have to be looking at me like that? SOMETIMES A MOTHERFUCKER... just has to die._

You let out a soft whine, a shudder shooting throughout your body. “Kar...” Your eyes snap up and he recoils. _So this is the way you treat anyone when they show you an ounce of pity? No wonder you feel so alone you ungrateful nookstain, you should be cleaning his fucking pail in gratitude._ He reaches out his hand slowly as if approaching a wounded animal. You eye it suspiciously, attempting to no avail to assure yourself that it's just Eridan.

“Why won't you just get the hint and get the fuck out of here?” You bark and he frowns deeply. He stands up to go and your heart sinks. _Alone._ Alone in the culling cell, holograms your only company. __Alone._ _ Trapped with your thoughts, plagued with the horrors of reliving everything, again and again and again. _All alone._ Waiting for death to come, waiting out your final days as if you're already gone, knowing you failed everyone.

_Just don't leave me alone.  
_

You reach out and grab his ankle. He looks down at you in surprise, a sickening glint of hope in his eyes. A smile lights up his face and he unfastens his cape, draping it around your nude body. Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes with the extended kindness and you bury your face in your knees, pulling his cape further around yourself.

As he extends his hand this time, you do not shy away, but just let it fall gradually to the top of your head, smoothing through your hair slowly, down the length of your neck, and tracing soft circles on your back. You let out a shuddering breath as let the entire weight of the world escapes your body with the fluttering of your eyelids. “Kar...” His hands are gentle against your back. “Can I do anyfin to help?”

You shake your head, your eyes unfocused as you revel in the touch. “No, asshole, just don't try to leave again.” Maybe Eridan isn't as awful as you always pinned him for. _You're just saying that because you're so desperate that if a pile of shit wasn't in your path, you'd think it pitied you._ You shiver and he tightens his grasp around you, protectively.

“Hey Kar.” His pulse thumps in your ears and you note how erratic it's become. Without thinking, you move in closer towards it.

“What." You grunt into his chest, melting into the warmth there. “I'vve got somefin to tell you and you gotta promise notta be laffin at me wwhen I finish.”

You nod weakly against his chest. “You might not like it but I can't fuckin kelp sayin somefin, Kar. I don't evven knoww wwhat I-”

“Troll fucking jesus on a temperate cooking vessel, stop with the disclaimers and just tell me you ignorant douche.” _Christ, why DON'T you fucking mumble that like a sissy._ Your insults have officially lost their bite. They were always your first line of defense against anyone and anything that came into your path, but somehow, you can't find it in you to be sincere about hurting him. There is something irritatingly pleasant about being with him, letting yourself be cared for and fussed over.

“Alright, I'vve been thinkin that maybe you and I should be-” He pauses dramatically and you snarl. He ignores you, holding you fast to his chest and enunciating his final words carefully, “starting something.” You lift your face and throw him a dark glare, not knowing quite how to convey your agitation at his vagueness. You look up at him and your breath catches in your throat as you see shards of hope scattered across his face. _Shit, why are you excited about this?_

You open your mouth to respond, but snap it shut as soon as you hear your door slide open. Scrambling, you push away from Eridan's chest, suddenly self-conscious of your position. _You have to get away, no one can see the two of you like this, not right now not_ \- you freeze when you see Sollux in the doorway, your mouth going bone dry.

"Ehehehe.” The peaceful serenity that was just starting to take hold over you vanishes into thin air as you hear that laugh. You never thought you would hear it again. You would have imagined before that hearing it again would inspire relief, but right now it just seems wrong, out of place, _infuriating._ “YOU MUST HAVE A GODDAMN DEATH WISH IN ORDER TO ENTER MY ROOM CAPTOR.” You wait for any sign of a response and your blood boils when you realize he's looking through you to Eridan. Even your yelling, it seems falls on completely deaf ears.

“Wwhat the fuck are you doin in here?” Eridan's hands tense, his claws digging into your shoulders. You give out a growling whimper. He loosens his grip, looking down at you with wide eyes. You shoot him a snarl and he responds in kind with an apologetic smile. You look past him to Sollux, your eyes travelling down his form. You hadn't gotten a particularly good look at him before, but he definitely looks stronger now, taller, more alluring. And that is pissing you off to no end.

Sollux shrugs, his broad shoulders elegantly heaving up and down. You watch in fascination and hate yourself for it. “I jutht wath athked to retrieve your thorry ath and thend you to the throne room. FF needth you to sit on the throne next to her and look like you do thomefin.”

He continues to stare right through you, as if you weren't there. Your chest feels tight and you know you've hit rock bottom. For the first time ever, it occurs to you that for all the times you asked if the two of you were still friends, never once did you expect him to tell you no. Never once would you have dreamed that you would be clinging to Eridan, with nothing but a cape about you-his cape, nonetheless- while Sollux Captor stared straight through you, not even giving a fuck that you were there. You shiver. Just when you thought you couldn't sink any lower into the abyss, you find a way to fall deeper. “I kind'vve wwas in the middle a somefin. Can't it wait?” _Does the abyss of melancholy even have a bottom? Fucking hell, can't I just get there already?_

Sollux snorts. “That'th too bad. Your bulge will have to wait thith one out, ED.” Eridan snorts, his hands tracing soft circles against your bare skin.

“Wwow Sol, that wwas so mature. That's not evven wwhat's going on here. Not like you would knoww. You nevver evven found a matesprit.” Your eyes go wide as you watch Sollux's eyes glow a bright red and blue before flickering off.

“Heh look who'th talking, ED.” The silence that hangs in the room is heavy and you feel like you're interrupting a moment between rivals. Like you shouldn't even be there. _Hand the boy a medal, because fuck all if he actually belongs there._

It's Sollux who breaks the silence, finally sauntering out of your door frame and standing in the middle of the room, staring down at Eridan. “You have to go. You have no choithe.”

Eridan's lower lip juts out in a pout. He gives you one last squeeze, reluctantly letting go of you. “Wwe'll talk about it later, Kar.” He smiles softly at you, shoots a glare at Sollux, and makes his way out of the room.

 _Whir click._ And then it was just the two of you.

He stands in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the wall behind you. _Oh fucking great. That's how this is going to go._ Before, this situation would have never been awkward in a million sweeps. Both of you in the same room used to be a welcome distraction to anything.But now Sollux was little more than a stranger to you. An absolute fuckass of a stranger.

You curl up tighter in a self-conscious ball, your think pan throbbing and your body aching. You peek one eye up over your knee to sneak a glance at Sollux and you frown. “What the nook fondling fuck are you staring at, Captor?” Silence and another blank stare over your head. Great. _Just fucking perfect, exactly what you wanted._ Rage boils in your bile sac and climbs up your throat, sending a tremor throughout your body. “If you're just going to fucking stand there and pretend the wall is the most interesting thing you've ever laid your freaky discolored eyes on all lunar cycle, then get the fuck out of here.”

With no hesitation, Sollux turns to leave and you gape, a low agitated growl escaping your lips. _What else did you think he would do, moron?_ He barely spares a glance at you as he continues towards the door. Here you are, again. Abandoned by that idiot. Abandoned and ignored, as if you weren't even there. He slides out the door, his shadow slinking out and away from you again.

 _Whir click._ You collapse back against the wall and your heart hurts. Anything but this. Anything but completely alone. Anything but letting him walk away from you again.

You bolt up with sudden inspiration, annoyed when you trip over your own feet. At some point, your legs must have fallen asleep. _Just what I fucking need right now, thanks you useless sack of shit of a body, your generosity in allowing me to command you makes me so fucking grateful, how the fuck can I ever repay you?_ You run out the door, holding Eridan's cape up around your waist with one hand. “Captor, where the hell are you going?”

Sollux pays no heed to your cries as he continues down the hallway. You pick up speed, catching up to him and grabbing his right wrist with fervor. He snaps around, visibly annoyed.

“What the fuck is your problem with me Captor?” He blinks, shrugging softly as his face falls back to a deadpan and he stares at you. Your heart thuds out of control. Red and blue boring into you. Red and blue slowly dissecting you, making you feel things you never wanted to. You snap your head away. “Fucking hell, just stop staring like an idiot and come back.” Your head ebbs with pain again as a flash of your last evening together returns once more. _A sneer, a proposition, a breech of trust._ Sollux is the last person you should go to begging for pity. But you'll do anything to not be alone, to not drown in those memories and sink deeper into your own misery.

A large smirk spreads across his lips as his eyes drag down your body. Your pulse skyrockets out of control, your eyes focused firmly on the curve of his lips, that twinge of emotion that you, Karkat Vantas put there. Your eyes travel up to meet his, and realize that you can't make eye contact, his eyes focused down on the floor. You grit your teeth and snap your gaze down to whatever the fuck he finds so important. _Oh. OH._ In horror, you realize that Eridan's cape has slipped all but off you.

The walk back to your respiteblock can only be described as awkward as fuck. If someone had told you to cram your fist down your protein chute while waltzing across a thin wire and polishing your bulge, you think you would have felt significantly less awkward.

When the door slides shut behind the two of you and he looks down at you, his face expressionless and empty once more. Here you are, your think pan reeling again with that same contradictory melancholy rage. You could just slam him up against the door, wrap your fingers around that pencil-thin neck of his and squeeze until he begged for mercy. _Squeeze, snap_ , done. Your hand twitches with excitement, blood pulsing quickly through your veins. Maybe just kick him to the floor and make him beg for your mercy. Your pulse pounds out a pleading “ _yes_.” You could just take out his psionics, leave him blind, pitiful, and powerless. You start to feel queasy. The idea seems all wrong, your heart isn't quite in it. The memory of your last night of friends resurfaces again. It was these kinds of thoughts that led you here in the first place. These kind of thoughts that lost him to you.

The sharp sound of water hitting tile alerts you to his location and you snap around to notice him turning on the ablution trap. A towel beams you in the middle of the forehead and you sneer. “What the fucking hell is this, Captor?” He looks at you expectantly, gesturing grandiosely at the running water and you roll your eyes, stomping to the small set up. He sighs, making his way across the room and you feel a slight sense of accomplishment. At least that fucker is feeling something.

You shed the cape, collapsing in the corner of the ablution trap. Water washes over your head, rolls down your back, and pounds heavily at the tile floor. You look across the room at him, your eyes boring into his back. He's taken the liberty to turn on your holographic monitor and he's just looking at it, absently. _That's all he ever fucking does,_ your mind spits bitterly, _he never actually cares about anything that doesn't have to do with that idiotic machine._ For a moment, you wonder if Eridan has ever considered destroying every computer in the palace just to get at Sollux. You smirk at the petty thought and some of the hurt ebbs out of your body.

You watch the water pooling at the drain, spinning and dancing downwards, taking bits of green slime down, far, far away from you. You lean back, eying Sollux from across the room, hoping for just one moment he will look back at you. You shudder, your eyes closing as you listen to the cadence of the water falling over you.

You shiver under the water, knowing that hoping he looks is a mute point . Your head is pounding, you're in a foreign place, and there is no normalcy, no home to go back to, and the only friends you have, you barely even know anymore. _Great. Fucking great._ Your hand reaches out and turns the water off, a heavy silence hanging over the room.

You climb out of the ablution trap, surprised to find that a robe has been set out for you. You slide it on, tying the belt around your waist. The pain in your head has gotten worse and you clench your eyes shut, trying to will the pain away.

You wince as something is placed in your robe pocket. “What the grubfucking christ is it now?” You open your eyes, retrieving a small, heavy can. _Grub juice_. You look up to find Sollux towering over you, sipping a can of his own. His shoulders have filled out more since you last saw him and through his clothes you can see the faint outline of muscle. Your eyes scan his body and you hate yourself a little for admiring it. Your eyes flick back up to his face and he looks at you blankly, taking a sip of grub juice.

He brings his can away from those perfect black lips with a smirk and you shiver. Your heart races out of control in anticipation for him to say something- _anything_ , but he just takes another swig from the can, turning once more to walk across the room again.

He sits down in your computer chair and all you want is to grab his shoulders, and slam him into the desk. But, instead you stand, immobile, watching as he turns away from you again. _How can you make this better? Is that even possible?_ You wince. Your head feels like it's going to split open, as if someone took a huge hammer to the middle of your skull and kept pounding, pounding away.

"Are you just going to sit there like the flap licker you are and watch as I crumble under the weight of my own fucking stupidity so that you can go back to your block and laugh your mutant self to sleep?” Sollux looks at you blankly, taking another sip from the can. Your blood boils.

“Is that all your small think pan can manage to do-” Your mind ebbs and you bring a hand up, gripping the side of your skull- "sit and stare?" He shrugs, toying with the tab on the can. In a fit of rage, you stalk across the room and knock the can out of his hands. _Clang._ It hits the floor, but neither of you look down at it, both of your eyes locked on each others. _It's fucking come down to this again. Great. Why don't you ask him to grab out the fucking black pail again, you bulge-biting moron._ “I don't think you can even register how much this makes me fucking hate you, Captor.”

He quirks an eyebrow, a mirthful smile playing at his lips. _That fucker is ENJOYING himself._

You look down at the ground, water dripping from your strands of hair onto the cold flooring, pooling at your feet. The floor begins to wobble as your vision starts to cave. You let go of him, sinking to your knees curling into yourself as pain pounds through your head.

To your shock, a warm arm wraps around your back, another under your knees, picking you up and pulling you to a strong chest. You take a deep breath, leaning your head up against his chest and fighting your greater impulse to scream at him. He takes you to the corner where you and Eridan were, and he sits, pulling you in against him. You close your eyes, just letting your head rise and fall with his chest. For the first time in as long as you can remember, you feel relief wash over you, a sense of ease slowly growing inside of you. Your head feels heavy and you take in a labored breath, the cadence of Sollux's breathing calming you.

As you slip asleep in his arms, you could almost swear you hear him say softly, “You never have known what you wanted, have you, idiot?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really busy lately and it's taken its toll on my writing, so sorry if this isn't up to snuff. :/ I am still so floored at what positive feedback I've been getting for this story. Seriously. Just... <3  
> I'm bringing in two more of the trolls next chapter, so that should be fun! :)


	6. Chemistry of a Car Crash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh. I have had this written for a long time, but held off on putting it here, because I felt something was off. I have edited it since publishing, and I feel a little better about it. Hopefully the next chapter comes a little easier.

_Tap tap tap._ Arms wrap around you, and a weight buries itself against your chest. You bolt up, anxious and alert, and instinctively retrieving your sickle. To your surprise, the weight finds no qualms with this an, rather, begins to shake and giggle. “Karkitty, put your big claws away! It's just me.” Your throat goes dry and you tighten your grip on your sickles. You look at the beautiful, barely-recognizable woman curled against you. Her unruly black hair falls all about her, practically obstructing her light olive eyes. Your heart skips a beat.

“You DO rememfur me, right?” She cocks her head and you swallow roughly.

“Nepeta? ...What the fuck.” She nuzzles against you in response, and your chest swells with overwhelming and conflicting emotions. You sit dumbfounded, your mind reeling and trying to piece the moment together. Everything just seems to be happening so quickly, and nothing seems to fit. You can barely even process it.  _You need far too much time to get it through that thick think-pan of yours, anyway._

“Yep! Who else would it be? Kar-kit-ty?” With each syllable, she pokes you playfully on the chest. You capchalogue your sickles and she leans into nuzzle you again, but freezes, her eyes focused intently behind you. As quickly as she pounced on top of you, she jumps off.  You furrow your eyebrows, your fingers flexing as you consider reaching out to her, but she continues to shy away from you, her eyes shining apologetically at the wall behind you. You look behind you. _Sollux._

Memories and emotions from earlier begin to return in bursts too large to take in all at once, but one thought comes to the forefront and refuses to yield; _why the fuck did he stay?_  

You look down at the hand on your abdomen and your stomach twists into knots. He had stayed with you for fuck knows how long, holding you as you slept.  _What the fuck is he even doing?_  A sharp pain rips through your skull. You look back up at his face and into his eyes. You cannot help to catch the lingering, protective glare pointed beyond you. You blanch, your mind short-circuiting with the inability to discern what the mother grub loving hell that look is supposed to mean, or, for that matter, what anything he has been doing as of late is supposed to mean. Carefully, he slips his hands off of your waist. _As if you wouldn't notice._

Nepeta's cheerful voice disperses your thoughts.“Oh! Sorry, you two! I didn't know that you were busy.” You turn back to her. She giggles, a hint of curiosity in her eyes. _No one fucking knows what's going on with this nookwhiffer's motives._  Your mind is a mess. Your door slides open again.

“Oh dear,” A crisp voice  echoes against the walls and you snap back to face the door in disbelief. “It seems that we have both decided to bombard you in unison. You seem to be rather... preoccupied. If it would suit you-”

“Kanaya?” Your throat feels like sandpaper as you push yourself off the ground. You walk up to her carefully, as if approaching any faster would make her vanish. For all the surreal moments you've had lately, standing in front of Kanaya Maryam again is by far one of the more jarring ones. She smiles at you and your apprehension begins to shrink.

You wrap your arms around her and you are overcome with emotion. Kanaya was right here in front of you. Kanaya, a woman that you shirked when becoming a Threscutioner began to look like absolute reality instead of some sort of far-fetched sopor-inflicted dream. Kanaya, the one troll who you felt never judged you and would not hurt you. Overwhelmed, a sob racks through your body, but you fight off the tears. _Don't let this break you now, you nookwhiffer. Not that your failure would be all too surprising, given your history of ineptitude at concealing yourself._

She brings her hands up and pats your shoulders gently, rubbing small circles on your back. You let out a shuddering breath, your heart fluttering as your bury your eyes in her shoulder (damn them all for being so tall). Even after all those sweeps, it was almost as if you had never been apart. But, the weight in your heart reminds you that you have. Too many sweeps had passed for there to be that much of anything left between the two of you.

A million questions swam about in your head. Had her flushed intentions ever panned out? What was she doing here, when her future in the brooding caverns seemed set in stone? How much did you even know about her anymore? Those were questions that friends would ultimately know the answer to.

Your shoulders shake a little harder, your inner-rage building. _How could you allow yourself to break?_ Nepeta tugs at your arm and nuzzles into your shoulder. You slowly start to calm down.

“Karkat.” Kanaya's voice is soft, understanding, and almost apologetic. It lulls you slowly back into a sense of calm, much like Sollux's arms the night before. You try to think about him once more, and fail to grasp his sudden extension of kindness it as reality. Nepeta kneads into your shoulder.

“As eager as I was to finally meet you once more, I regret to inform you that I was sent here to retrieve your matesprit.” You about choke on your snot. Pulling back, you eye her before throwing a glance over your shoulder at Sollux. You swear you momentarily see a glint of hope in his eyes, but it's gone by the time you snap your head back to look at Kanaya.

“Maryam, I don't know what kind of major think-pan hemorrhaging you have the impression that I have succumb to over the past few sweeps, but two-tone freak over there is nowhere close to being my matesprit.” You spit the words out bitterly, your eyes unfocused and back stiff as you think about Sollux pitying you. _As if he could even pity you, and as if he were weak enough for you to pity._ The thought lingers a little too long and something about it feels wrong. Some sort of sick feeling tugs at you, crushing your windpipes. You grit your teeth and try to push it far away. What Sollux Captor does to you has never been, and never will be, fair nor logical.

A faint frown momentarily drags at Kanaya's lips and evaporates just as quickly. There is a pang in your chest cavity that you can't quite place, confusion injected with rage washing over you. ”Forgive my mistake of drawing an incorrect conclusion." You take a deep breath. The air is thick and the silence is palpable. It seems momentarily as if all four of you are afraid to make a move. Finally, Kanaya speaks again. "I was sent to retrieve Sollux for an audience with the court.”

Sollux sighs audibly behind you as the tension breaks, “FF needth me again? It'th not like I add anyfin to her converthationth.” You snap around and watch as he stands, surprised by the mood swing. For some odd reason, you had thought he would have gotten them under control. He hadn't shown this side before. Because why would he look weak to a stranger like you? Your chest feels tight again and your head screams at you; there's something wrong, something isn't right. _Wake up and utilize your goddamn eyes to soak up some of the atmosphere, you belching flap-noser. Maybe if you had the mental capacity to pay any attention to the things going on around you, you might not be such an ignorant assmunching pile of hoofbeast spooge._

“Regardless of your hang-ups concerning your productivity in royal dealings, Feferi was very adamant about you being present.” Sollux brushes past you, his shoulder rubbing softly against yours. You shudder softly and Kanaya gives you a final pat on the back.

“Ehehe. FF hath the main thay in thith. It'th not like I wath doing anything anyway.” His eyes linger on you for a moment, accusingly. You feel bolted in place with an emotion that you can't quite place... guilt? No, that doesn't quite seem right. When he looks away from you again, you flare up with confusion. Dumbfounded, you just look on, trying to figure out why he makes you feel so fucking-

“Yes, I suppose that is true. Shall we proceed to the throne room? Everyone has arrived already and we are only awaiting you.” They exchange knowing looks and you grit your teeth. Kanaya looks back over at you. “Karkat. I look forward to having a more befitting reunion in the near future.” She smiles softly at you as she follows Sollux out the door. “Oh, excuse my rudeness,” She stops and grips the door frame, “Welcome to Purpira.” Her smile widens and then she's gone, her shoes clicking down the hall. The door slides shut and you try to figure out what the fuck just happened.

Nepeta loops her arm through yours, and holds you a little bit too tightly, but you barely notice. You simply peer blankly at your door with an empty gaze, trying to piece your life back together.“Purrfect! It's just me and you now!” She rubs her face against your arm and holds you tightly, “It's about time we had some fun exploring! Fefurry said that you haven't really been through the palace! Don't worry! I can show you!”

You grimace. _Stop staring off into space like your insufferable misery is going to suddenly dissipate with the visual stimuli that can only be brought to you by not focusing on shit and pay attention to the woman attempting to be your friend, for some confusing-as-fuck reason._ You can't shake the ill feeling inside and Nepeta senses it, squeezing you tightly and purring into your ear, “Hey, Karkitty, let's go have some fun, ok?”

“Fine.” You spit, your mind too muddled to think up anything any more complex. You look aside as she scans your body with a giggle. Self-consciously, you gather the robe tighter around you. It must have started to fall open at sometime when you were napping.

She leads you to the door, turning to look at you with a toothy grin. “How much do you know about Purrrpira, Karkitty? Have you scouted out any new infurmation, or do you just know what we were told as wrigglers?”

You shake your head, spouting a quick comment off about your lack of knowledge. Learning about the royal planet was nothing that you ever cared about. Schoolfeeding had shoved more information than you are even capable of remembering down your protein chute with all the reckless abandon and gross-overfeeding afford to you. You had pushed what you had regarded as useless hoofbeast shit out of your mental cavern sweeps ago. She lights up at your show of ignorance.

“Really?” She glances curiously from side to side, and starts to whisper as she leads you down a hallway that you've never been down. “Do you want to know some secrets about the mysteries of Purrpiria?”

You roll your eyes so hard that they feel like they are going to fall out of your head at her childish offer. Is she going to show you the secret chambers under the palace, go hunting for adventure, seek some shit like the fountain of cuteness in the depth of the royal planet? You snort.

She growls in response, poking you in the ribs. “What the fuck?” You narrow your eyes at her.

“That's not what this is about at all, Karcat!” She pouts a little, “You can stop purrtending not to care! This is something you want to know, I can just tell!” You grunt in response and she giggles again, clinging to you. Her tail bats against your leg excitedly. She leans in closer to you, and you shy away, instinctively. With a soft giggle, she begins to whisper. “Feferi isn't really the Empurress at all!”

You furrow your eyebrows. This was no time to be playing make-believe. You had grown out of Nepeta's bullshit fantasies years ago. “What the fuck do you call ruling over the entire Empire then?”

She bats softly at your arm before nuzzling into it and you stiffen. For being so long since you saw her, she was still awfully intimate with you. “That's the thing, she's not supposed to be! Fefurry purrtends to be the Empurress, sending out furdicts and laws as if she is!" Suddenly,everything feels completely inverted and simply wrong; something that had been so sure, completely cemented as a fact, has been torn from you. Could Nepeta be lying? What the fuck would she ever have to gain from lying to you? You don't even matter in the scheme of things. "She is pawesomely clever. Our real Empress is actually thousands of light sweeps away from here!” She drew her lips tightly together and tacked on as an after thought, “She is pawfully scary, too.”

No, it simply couldn't be true. You grit your teeth, looking down at her condescendingly. "Nepeta," You say with enough acid in your tone that you might as well have called her a "lying fucksack," "the old Empress was conveniently dispersed across the outer ring after an unfortunate meeting with a rebel army that blew her piece of shit think pan exactly where it deserved to be." You spit, distaste surfacing at the thought of the woman who had ensured it was neigh impossible for you to thrive. "No one ever shuts the fuck up about it."

Nepeta shakes her head and giggles at you, the sound making you wince. Your ignorance is like a game to her. "Of course we did! That was our memo!" She smiles rebelliously, "It started with that... Or more, first we came into Purpira and took it ofur!" You scoff. _Fucking ridiculous._

"It was this really amazing plan where our furrends clawed their way to the top! Fefurry had the right blood, Sollux had hacking capabilities, Vriskers with her mind control..." There is a gleam in her eyes at this pause and it makes your ulse race, "they always thought that staffing the palace with lowbloods was the way to go. Guess noooooot." Sing-songy and taunting as the tone may be, it is only coating her malice. Something, you decide, has gone terribly wrong with her since you last saw her.  _Or terribly right, since she's actually acting like a troll now._  "That's why Vriskers is the Grrrand General! Without her mind control, Fefurry would have nefur gotten anywhere!" She considers this again, "Well, Feferi is pretty powerful too, but when you have Vriskers control almost everyone in a city?" She chuckles, the dark gleam in her eyes intensifying.

"Do you know how fucking ridiculous this sounds? You don't just stroll into the royal planet, commandeer it, and usurp the position of empress.”

Nepeta perks up, her tail snapping against your leg in even quicker ticks now. Her eyes are filled with playful mirth, her fingers dancing up your arm. “Vriskers did it, Karkitty.”

You mutter in protest, not quite feeling close enough to her to really lay into her anymore. She looks up at you with wide, curious eyes, her lips curled upward in utmost happiness. “Well, a lot of trolls just helped us because Feferi was the purromise of something new. But, the ones that wouldn't listen got the wrath of Vriskers.” Her smirk looks nothing short of vicious.

You mutter under your breath, and you are nothing short of a mess of conflicting thoughts. _How had you not known about such a significant plan? She talks as if everyone and their fucking lusus knew about this. What the fuck happened to make Nepeta like this?_ You grit your teeth. _Should you...?_  You sink your nails into your palm and fight the urge to push her off of you.  "How the fuck...?"

"We pounced in, took it over, and disposed of those who wouldn't follow us." She giggled. _How fucking dark._ “Most trolls came willingly, and it's good that we are winning this battle! But it's not like we are at the top for good! We have to bat enemies away constantly! It's a little infurriating. The worst part is that the Empurress knows!! And she constantly sends her pawns after Fefurry to reclaim the palace. Apurrently, we aren't worth the effurt fur her to push really hard to return. Fefurry is a little worried about that.”

You feel numb. How could they have not told you about this? How could they have knowingly let you run off to Fosifia to be smothered by the life you were obligated to live? _Why should they have told you? You probably would have fucked it up, just like you fuck everything else up._ You grit your teeth, grinding them together. You finally manage to vocalize something in a small voice, your bite all but gone. “Why wasn't I included?”

Nepeta considers this for a moment, placing her hand to her chin. “Well, we're the rebel capital, you know! It's like you were working with us all along, even though you didn't purrticipate in the rebellion!”

Something twists inside you, threating to drill through to the surface; something awful, dark, needy, and angry. Your voice gets a little louder. “You know what I fucking meant, don't play that goddamn naïve game with me. Why didn't any of you fuckasses tell me about the plan?”

She cocks her head, her olive eyes scanning you searchingly. Under her scrutiny, the growing rage in your chest just escalates. “Hmm? Don't be silly, Karkitty! Of course you knew!”

You grit your teeth, balling your hands into tight fists and driving an elbow into her side. She glares up at you, her eyes sliding into narrow slits, warning you to back the fuck down. You do not heed their warning. Her tail flicks against you in small agitated bursts. “You knew, Karkat. Don't pretend like you didn't.”

“Like fucking hell I knew.” You squirm out of her grasp and her hand snaps out and she grabs your wrist, sinking her claws in and you wince. She leans in closer, her nostrils flaring as she eyes you carefully. Your throat feels like a stiff column, unresponsive to every begging, angry, and needing command you send to it. Suddenly, her voice drops to a low growl, a dark gleam in her eyes. You attempt to pull your wrist away, but she sinks her claws in deeper. You wince. “You're different, Karkat.”

Your eyes widen in utmost terror, and you are unsure of where to run or what to say. You always knew she had it in her to be terrifying and predatorial; what kind of batshit crazy murderous cat troll didn't? But, you never thought that she would be like this. Not with you. _Fuck. You've never seen her without Equius, have you?_

You furrow your eyebrows and try to look as pathetic as possible. The gleam in her eyes begins to fade. “Heehee. I guess it's okay! Just between the two of us, I think we're all a bit diffurent now!”

You swallow softly. She stares up at you as if she had never snapped, and that just makes it all the more unnerving. Getting angry, you decide, is obviously not the solution. After a moment, you speak up again. “Well, there was obviously some kind of gap in the information flow, because whoever the fuck was supposed to let me in on this decided that they had better fucking things to do.”

She scrunches up her face. “Karkitty, I don't know why you keep playing purrtend. You chose to not come with us.”

You try to fight back the rage, attempting to keep in mind what happened the last time you got angry. For the most part, you succeed, at least in your tone. “Which one of our idiotic friends alledgedly informed me of the team adorabloodthirsty kingdom take-over?”

She furrows her eyebrows again. “Sollux told you! You just told him that you didn't want to help us. It was really sad!!”

 _Sollux?_ The rage inside you builds, a whirr of inchoate thoughts churn in your head, vexed passions that are indescribable. _He never told you. Everyone else was here and he never fucking told you. That treacherous pail swilling bastard._ Your rage is implacable; nothing can save you from the overwhelming tides of betrayal that are pulling you under into the great chasm of your darkest emotions, inundating you completely. You dig your nails into your hands and stop in place. Nepeta looks at you, cocking her head and swishing her tail back and forth. She brings her hands up and tugs at your fist, but you barely register it. You are too far gone. “Karkat?”

You rip your hand out of hers, turn to face the throne room, and begin to run. “Karkat!” You strain to remember that last night you spent with him and it's infuriatingly absurd how that usually vivid memory only returns in scattered fragments now.

He didn't look at you that night. He barely spared you a glance. _Clack clack clack_ of the keys, his voice distant and his tone strained, the back of his fucking stupid head- but what did he say? What was it that pissed you off so much?

 _The way I see it, KK, you only have four options._

Faintly, you hear someone hiss out your name, but you ignore it, charging onwards, pieces of the memory dropping too quickly to interlock.

 _You can be a shitty kismesis, break no one out, and Gamzee will kill you._

Sollux was smirking, you were pinned against a wall, and it felt like your organs had all wound up, spinning tighter and tighter, constricting your wind pipe and paralyzing you with want.

 _You can get culled by the other threshcutioners on your first attempt at breaking someone out._

None of those things had even happened; like he fucking knew anything about you.

Nepeta pounces on you from behind and your face drives into the flooring. You hiss in pain, attempting to throw her off. She sinks her claws into your shoulders and you tense as you feel them inch closely to penetrating your skin. “Karkat, you need to calm down.” Her tail flicks against you, “You can't talk to him now.” Her claws knead against your skin and you grimace. Nepeta shifts on top of you, her claws slowly withdrawing from your shoulders.

 _Or you can get culled when the drone shows up for your flushed pail._

You throw her off of you and run to the throne room.

“You aren't supposed to be here!” She hisses, her claws digging into your wrist. You wince, but you've felt far worse. You charge ahead. “No no no no no! Karkitty, stop going-” The guards normally posted outside the doors are absent. Nepeta pulls harder at your arm and yowls. “Karkat, stop!” You throw her off and push against the door to the throne room with fervor. It slides open and you storm in, your implacable rage boiling up in your throat, Sollux the only thing on your mind.

Everyone in the throne room turns to look at you and it's as if time stops, the atmosphere hanging over you is ominous. Your think pan can barely register the scene in front of you. So many familiar faces, and yet all so foreign. Your eyes scan them all quickly, shock permeating their features. “Sollux, you shame-globe twiddling fuck, you're coming with me.” You spit, and he looks at you in horror. You furrow your eyebrows, your eyes darting between each of the occupants of the room. “What the fuck is -”

Then your eyes land on _him._ The face that disrupts any ounce of sleep you ever try to get, those dark, crazy eyes that bare into your own and refuse to let go, as if they could pull your very essence out of you. Your tormentor, the man you want to see the least in the world and the only person it would bring you utmost joy to finally kill.

 _Gamzee Makara._

And that fucker smiles at you, all sharp teeth and murderous mirth. Like a hunter after the joy of the kill, he drags his eyes down your body, inspecting what he took to be his.

 _You clutch your sickles tightly as you enter the dark room. The smell of blood hits your nose. You grimace as a smooth voice echoes throughout the room. “What is it, best friend?” You turn and look at him, his face covered in brown blood. He slams you against a wall._

That smile chills you to your core. Nothing could ever compare.

 _“Don't you know that it isn't your time right now?”His hands wrap around your throat. “I WAS ALL UP AND BUSY WITH MY MATESPRIT, MOTHERFUCKER.” There is a spark in his eyes of something that you don't want to come to terms with. You try to bury your sickles into his back, to no avail. “Well, what's left of him.”_

You look in fear at the impossible specter before you and he takes a step toward you.

And you run. Because running is the only thing you know how to do in the face of utmost fear. You run because this isn't a dream. Here you can weave your own fate, turning the wheels yourself. You're not bound to stay, you're not bound to listen. You're not obligated to stay and sink in his sorrow.

So, you run and you don't look back. You leave everything that monster has constructed behind you. You abandon your hurt and relish in the sting of betrayal. You have no place left to run. Nowhere is safe, nothing is sacred.

Faintly, you begin to wonder why you ever thought anything was going to change, but the thought is drowned out by the sound of your feet tapping a desperate escape plea against the marble flooring of the rebel palace.


	7. Count to Ten

Something wraps frantically around your wrist and it yanks you roughly backwards. Your head reels as the force deters you; your expanding and contracting vascular system threatening to give way as you collide with the wall.

Your vision goes black. Your mind blanks. You are devoid of everything except for growing anxiety. Then those awful images begin flash through your mind, ripping your dignity away and crushing you under their gravity.

_Large purple hands that could crush your jaw with the flex of a fingertip ghost over your jaw, leaving fine trails of fresh kill across your face. You feel woozy as you breathe in the heavy perfume of blood._

_“What are you all up and doing here, best friend?” His eyes roll over your face with something you cannot quite place. “PLAY TIME IS MOTHERFUCKING OVER.” He goes quiet momentarily and you wish you knew how to soothe him. But, soothing him is far from your place; that’s his moirail’s job. His moirail- the troll whose blue blood he is dragging across your lips. You begin to shake._

You rebuke yourself, the caustic voice in the back of your mind corroding every remaining unscathed inch of your psyche. _Everything is perpetually the ass-bottom worst scenario for your mind’s blind eye; even the most innocuous action would cause you to curl up into a ball and stick your head in your nook._ Your fingers race to the wall and push yourself back up as your mind chides you. Something overbearing slams you against the wall once more and you remind yourself with acidic spit that the worst scenario is the one you perpetually find yourself in.

Your mind takes the opportunity to continue playing its perverse reel of memories best left for dead. You shudder. Then it begins; the memory of that first time. The first time when he took you as his kismesis, when you begged him again and again to stop, when you told him how much you pitied him in a low, pleading voice and if only-

_It was never supposed to be like this. He tells you to look at him and you obey, your eyes gleaming with what little pride that you still posses. He drags a finger across your lips and your tongue slides out by some idiotic and depraved instinct. Your vision wobbles as you taste blood for the first time._

You begin to crawl across the cold metal ground, dragging your body as quickly as you can.

_“But, if a motherfucker wants to play, WHO THE FUCK AM I to be turning him down?”_

The tooth gnashing dayterrors of your past all seem so agonizingly fresh and stupidly real; Gamzee come after you to take you away, the guards throwing you before him, Gamzee dragging you through a pool of blood. You are choking on fear.

But not today. You won’t submit today. You refuse. You would rather choke on your own boiling stomach acid than kowtow your scrawny, worthlessly deteriorating body before any force that thinks it can fuck with you. Today you are running. Today you will get as far away as possible from the demon that haunts every dusty corner of your psyche.

You try to stand once more and that mysterious force hits you back down to the ground. You rise up onto your knees and make fast time across the tiling. The frantic clicking of hurried feet against the floor forces you to crawl forward faster. Fear clatters through your body, sheer terror swelling inside of you as your attacker inches closer.

Fingers wrap around your shoulders. You throw your attacker against the wall with your fist.

The offender’s mouth folds in under your fist. Something cracks. The offender yields.

Taking your opportunity, you run as quickly as you can. It is not until far after your fist collides with the offender’s mouth that it occurs to you that the temperature of skin was far too warm to belong to a highblood.

Your head hits the wall and your vision goes black again.

_And you thought you could run._

You try to stand once more, but your legs buckle under you, bound at the knee. You try to crawl once more, but your arms no longer bend. You are immobile. Your heart pounds out a desperate, fearful plea, a broken refrain singing tauntingly in the back of your head _Great job, you sorry pail-swilling fuck, now he’ll want you more than ever._ Your breath catches in your throat as your vision returns and arms wrap around your back.

The offender even stronger than you would have imagined. You squeeze your eyes shut and wait for the worst. Instead of paralyzing you, culling you, or ripping at your horns, he drags you into a dark side room. _What the fuck…?_

“You can open your eyes now, Troll Sleeping Beauty,” A male voice says slowly, the speaker obviously pained. Your eyes snap open, searching the room. The man is thin, his horns not visible from your current position. “Although you’re far more of a bitch to rescue than her and far less of a beauty.”

You attempt to sit up and fail, slamming your head hard on the flooring. The troll snickers. Your blood goes cold. “Careful, princess. Can’t have you fracturing your skull so quickly. Although, that’s what you seem to want. Who am I to deny you?”

“What kind of response were you anticipating when you pound me again and again against a wall and use whatever the fuck this is to immobilize me?” The bonds about your wrists let up. You take the chance to run out, only to get slammed back down to the ground in a burst of red and blue.

The man sighs. “We can play this game all day, KK, and you’re not going to get any better at it.” You look up in a stupor to see Sollux walking towards you, looking drained. Your blood pusher drops to your stomach. He holds out a hand and you bat it away. He shrugs.

“What the actual fuck? You couldn’t have, I don’t know, shouted my name? Has the ancient art of attention getting been that fucking lost to you, Captor, that your best idea is to give the person in question a fucking concussion? Yeah, that works _loads_ better! It’ll catch on fast! Be all the rage within a sweep! Man, fuck _talking_ , or _waving_ or dumb shit like that. Concussions are where it’s at.”

He laughs, a bitter sound even to your ears. You tremble with rage. “Yeah, maybe when you learn about a little thing called listening we can try that instead.”

He winces again and you freeze, staring at Sollux with wide eyes. _His lisp. Oh god. His lisp._ You eye his recessed, bloodstained mouth and you swallow roughly as your glance trails down his chin. Yellow blood covers his shirt. You start to feel woozy again.

_Do you know what miracles look like best friend? Motherfucking rainbows._

He holds a yellow stained hand out to you and you grimace, leaning away from it. You bring your own hand up and bat it out of the way. He sighs and sits next to you. Your blood boils and your chest aches. “Fine, be a pouty ungrateful asshole.” He chuckles. “It’s not anything new.”

“Well, maybe if you bulge-biting morons wouldn’t treat me like a fucking wriggler and actually attempt to schoolfeed me in what the fucking hell is going on in this place instead of just locking me in ‘happy-land solitary confinement time’ like I’ve invented a new, trademarked off-the wall method of culling by fantasizing while polishing my bone bulge.”

“God, KK, stop being a drama queen. Next time, I’ll invite you to the boring ass meetings FF forces me to go to and you’ll be practically sucking my nook so that you don’t have to go.” He rubs at his slack jaw for a moment, grimacing. _Oh god, oh god._ You tense up. _You did that to him._ You try to bat the guilt away with your acid tongue.

“Stop treating me like I deserve to be an ignorant puppet that your moirail pulls the strings for. Or is it the Empress’s queen spider bitch? Wait, you don’t want to tell me anything about-” He snaps your mouth shut with a burst of light, but it quickly fades. You go to open your mouth once more. His eyes light up. You clench your jaw shut.

“FUCK. Cut the bullshit, KK.” He begins to chuckle. “Maybe I should just turn you over to your kismesis so I don’t have to listen to your incessant whining.” Your body goes limp. You feel betrayed; how could he even imply such a thing? “KK? Fuck, it’s not THAT bad. He’s just your kismesis.”

“Not that bad.” You mutter under your breath spitefully, the tone mocking. “Just my kismesis.” He glares at you and your anger swells up to enormous proportions. “Look at who is suddenly the expert on my god damn life. When I’m writing my autobiography, I’ll come ask you to correct it, since you obviously know the absolute shit I’ve been through better than myself. It will be the sweeping manifesto for the ages, rightfully forgotten in the dusty attic of who-gives-a-fuck; the tale of Karkat Vantas, ‘Better Off Culled,’ edited by Sollux Captor who obviously knows this shit far better than some nubrubbing mut-“

“Obviously, I know shit-all about your life. What the hell should I know? I’m just some dumb fuck sitting here on Purpiria.” His hand comes up to rub at his mouth, his face contorted into an expression of utmost pain. "...Sorry." He pulls his hand back from his lips and looks at it. "No one knows but you."

Your mind screams to say something, the thoughts that you admitted to no one hanging on the tip of your tongue and begging to be said aloud. You close your eyes, hoping that it makes things less real. You stumble over your own syllables. “He was far from just my fucking kismesis, alright?” You card a hand through your hair and you take in a deep breath, “It was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t even-” Your breath catches in your throat, but you force yourself to go on, “I didn’t even hate him, alright? How could I hate someone whose main problem is that he’s fucking nuts? He isn’t even himself most of the time.” You pull your knees up to your chest and breathe in deeply. Sollux places a hand on your shoulder and you shrug it off.

“He would have culled me.” You can feel hot tears picking at the corners of your eyes, but you fight them back, clenching your teeth. “I’m a fucking toy to him.” Sollux brings a hand up, smudging the tears away from the corner of your eyes with his thumb. You lean back away from him. “I don’t need your fucking pity.” You hiss.

You swear for a moment he looks the slightest bit betrayed.

His head thunks against the wall. You cover your eyes and will the tears away. An awkward silence hangs between the two of you.

After what feels like sweeps, he scoffs. You jump at the sudden sound. “No. No, apparently you DO need my pity,” He mutters in a low voice. Your back goes rigid. He scoffs again. “You’re such an ungrateful idiot. How else were you expecting to get away? By running?" He laughs derisively. "Really, KK, you-”

“Yeah, you're right; how could I have been so fucking blind. What an immense oversight on my part. Thank the Mirthful Messiahs that we have this magical room where we can sit on our nubs for a perigee or two, waiting until my crazy fucking 'kismesis' miraculously forgets that I’m here. Great plan, numbnuts. Gold fucking star for-”

“Don’t flip your shit about it. We’ve taken care of it.”

Your thoughts jar to a halt, your every muscle locks tight. You growl softly in the back of your throat. “Great. This is most definitely the ideal course of action; keeping me in the dark, information-void chamber of ignorance like you did 2 sweeps ago.”

He laughs, the hollow sound sending chills down your spine. “Is that the way you’ve decided to remember that? Yeah, I’m such an ass for not telling you jack shit when you were too busy trying to start something black with me instead of listening to anything I was saying. How stupid all of us were when you cut us out of your life. What inconsiderate spooge-guzzling nookwhiffers we all have been.” He clenches his jaw and grimaces. You tentatively reach out your hand to comfort him. He shifts away from you. You draw your hand back.

You look aside, and cover your mouth with your palm. _He’s right._ You grimace. _This is exactly what you deserved._ You draw your knees closer to your chest and close your eyes. You can hear him breathing in a cadence of short, ragged, labored bursts. You wonder if it’s from you taking out all his teeth. _A lot- not all,_ You correct yourself, Don’t give yourself credit for something you’re incapable of doing. You curl into yourself even tighter.

_What kind of condescending asswipe lowlife do you have to be in order to blame someone else for your own faults?_

The silence between you does nothing to keep the memories at bay. You begin to tremble. The thoughts bombard you; images you wish you could purge from your memory, to wipe completely, even if it meant losing yourself in the process. You lost yourself to him. _No. You lost yourself with every choice you made._ You bury your face in your hands. A chill creeps up your spine. Every hair on you stands on end. You can feel Sollux's eyes on you. You sink your claws into your arms. You wish no one could see you like this. His glance burns a hole in your back. You hug your knees so close to you that it hurts to breathe. He continues to stare, picking you apart like you’re some kind of freak. _You ARE a freak._ A lump forms in your throat.

“What?” You spit, finally. Your heart pounds out the nervous beat of anticipation in your chest cavity. He shifts quietly. Minutes slip by in aggravating silence. You growl loudly, snapping up to look at him. He blinks. The corners of his lips twitch up in a cocky smile.“What is it, Captor? Or do I have to punch those goddamn eyes of yours out too?”

“Oh, real mature, KK.” He taps his feet against the floor.

You snarl, the sound rising from deep in your chest. “What the fuck do you want?”

He sighs. “Why does it always have to be something?”

You snort. “It’s always something with you.”

“Heh. I can’t help but notice when you’re throwing such a spectacular pity party.” You grind your teeth. He starts to laugh. "Is it only for one?"

“Do you never stop laughing? Fuck, even with your fucking ground zero mouth, you’re still flapping your word masher like you’re going for the lifetime achievement award in Obnoxious Behavior.”

He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, and your blood boils. “Even when you realize that you’re an idiot and your self-loathing is well placed, you can’t help but try to take a shit on my ego, can you, KK?”

You glare at him and he laughs at you. “Is this because you’re waxing black for my hot ass, Vantas?” You kick him and he laughs harder. “You are, aren’t you?”

“No, shut the fuck up.” You land a fist to his side and he throws you to the ground.

“That won’t gel with your pity fest with Ampora.” Your heart drops. You kick him in the shin and he lands a knee to your thigh. He _tsks_ softly. “Stealing a guy’s kismesis isn’t the best way to get him to pity you.” You clench your jaw. “Didn’t your shitty movies teach you that?” You try to punch him in the chest, but he grabs your fist, wincing.

“Fuck you.” You attempt to scramble up, but he pins you there, straddling your hips between his legs. You try to push him off, but he tightens his grasp on your wrists. Your heart twists in your chest. He leans in closer. His breath hits your cheek and you struggle more. He laughs softly into your ear. “I would have thought you would have gotten stronger.” You start to hyperventilate. “You really must have been a shitty kismesis.”

His hold tightens on your wrists. Your vision starts to waver. “Although, you know, KK, I couldn’t see it before, but maybe I wouldn’t have such a hard time hating you.”

_”It wouldn’t be the hardest thing a brother has ever been doin. Hating a MOTHERFUCKING MUTANT BLOOD.”_

You whimper. Your body goes limp in his hands, the instinct to submit taking over. Sollux pulls back to look at your face, his triumphant smirk dropping as he sees your glossed over, defeated eyes. “KK?”

You squeeze your eyes shut. You have enough shreds of pride left in you to know you don’t want him, anyone, seeing that weakness.

“KK. What the fuck happened to you?” His voice is soft and worried. Your breath catches in your throat. He lets go of your wrists.

“Nothing.” You spit. _Nothing that wasn’t deserved._

He scoffs, flicking your forehead. You shoot him a dirty look. “As if I would believe that load of hoofbeast shit. Why are you flipping the fuck out?”

“I’m not.” He goes to grab for your wrists again and you weakly bat him away, your blood pusher doing pirouettes in your chest cavity. You feel like you’re going to throw up, your head spinning and your stomach lurching. His eyes widen as you slap him away.

“Yeah. Right. Nothing." He gets off of you. "God, you’re so pathetic.” He reaches out and grabs your wrists. You yelp. "Calm down, it's okay, dude." He helps you to sit up once more. He frowns softly, brow drawn low. “This sure is how someone acts when nothing’s happened. You are a paragon of normal and healthy behavior, I must have a hole in my think pan to have even considered otherwise.”

“Nothing happened that is any of your fucking concern.”

He cocks an eyebrow. “Maybe I’m making it my fucking concern.” His actions don’t match the tone, not when he’s rubbing your back gently, soothing. The words call for a fight but you’ve been fighting for _so long_ you’re not even sure what for anymore. Your mind throws up the white flag and does something it hasn’t in as long as you can recall; it lets go.

You think it’s strange how that one small touch could undo you like that, but maybe it felt like something more. Everything between the two of you feels like another coded signal in the series of bullshit that makes up your confusing fucking relationship. Nothing between you and him has ever been clear. You wonder sometimes if it ever will be.

The words come slow at first, haltingly, because you are fucked if you want to remember, to take that wrenching trip down memory lane, but you can’t stop the broken record that is your memory and maybe saying it out loud will fix it somehow.

You tell him how you didn’t like how Gamzee even looked at you first. That’s the easiest part to tell and seems to open the rest up inside your mouth. You explain how it awoke in you the primal need to flee, flee, flee; the imperative to run from those murderous eyes and that twisted, barbarous smile of perfectly awful jagged teeth and taunting poison. You revealed the painful way he’d throw you around, the demeaning way in which he all but owned you and how you never felt like you could get free. You shudder as you recall how you abhorred the pain, the way he threatened to make that mutant blood pour out of you.

You admit for the first time how like a fool you thought that Gamzee had _needed_ you, as if without you, the bodies would just pile higher, the consequences dire. You try not to sob too hard when you talk about how some nights, you would rather sleep on the cold metal floor of the austere respiteblock you called home than in sopor slime because of how many terrible memories you have from the unspeakable things he made you do with it. You don’t protest when Sollux silently takes your hand when you tell him how Gamzee would croon in your ears about killing all your friends, while neither plea nor hiss was permitted to cross your lips. They were the worst moments of your life. You could never show how weak you were; you couldn’t let it show how much it simply broke you. You couldn’t for a second make a step out of line.

Sollux begins to shoosh you softly when you start sobbing violently as you explain how you have just learned to submit, since Gamzee liked it better when you fought back. It’s what he fucking preferred. He liked it when you bared your teeth. It drove him wild when you pushed your small, wiry frame against him, as if you could even try pushing him away from you. He delighted in your agony and relished in the bite of your words. He would shiver with lust at the sensation of your sickles in his back. It didn’t matter how much you screamed or fought, tearing into him with sharpened claws and an even sharper tongue; it made him hate you more, view you as ever worthy despite your low blood, and it made you deplore his entire existence and, without fail, also your own.

So, you submitted to him and he degraded you. With every last drop of mutant red mixing with royal purple blood, another shred of you died. And it showed no signs of stopping; how could it? To stop would show weakness, to beg would be a protest for pity against the bonds of black rom.

And so, he violated you again and again, your body too drugged up on force-fed sopor to protest, your mind too petrified of culling to run.

When you’re finished, feeling drained and slumping against Sollux’s chest, he continues to croon softly in your ear.

”KK.” Hot fingers card through your hair and you stiffen. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” Your breath hitches in your throat as he holds you closer

You wonder how long you’ve been shaking.

The soft cadence of his chest depressing and expanding underneath you slowly begins lulling you. His fingers comb through your hair, tracing thin lines along your scalp and working downwards before tugging lightly at the strands and starting again from scratch.

Tentatively, you reach up and press against his mouth with your fingertips and your heart falls. He stares at you blankly, wincing only slightly as you push against now empty space in his mouth. You mask a gasp under a low, half-hearted growl as he wraps his fingers around your hand. “They’ll grow back,” He smiles softly. His smile looks vacant, fake. ”No thanks to your dumb ass.”

You scoff, collapsing against him again, as if being in his arms was the way it had always been. “You should thank me for correcting your idiotic speech impediment.”

He laughs and it shakes his entire body. It feels oddly comforting. Your chest tightens and your entire body collapses under the weight of sheer, aching exhaustion. It’s as if your stomach has filled up with lead. As you stare at him, you don’t know what to do. You want to draw closer to him, fall asleep in his arms, and keep him all to yourself. As you tighten your grasp on him, you know that you have never needed anyone so much in your life.

Still, the thought begs at you. Why did you live this long when you shouldn’t have wasted the resources of your kind? Why did you bother to stay about when no one can pity you and only someone extremely fucked up can hate you?

The strange ardour suffocates your rationale and pulls you down with it, illogical pity rushing where hate had seized you earlier. You shudder; if there is one thing you abhor more than anything else, it is quadrants. But, the desire numbs your brain, dictating your actions.

You curl into him, resting your head on his shoulder and wrapping your arms around him. His breathing hitches and you wonder if you’ve done something wrong. You start to lean away before his thin arms wrap tightly around you, pulling you back.

Your pulse pounds away in your ears. You can’t help but feel that this is all wrong- no, you _know_ it’s wrong. But, the only thing you’re concerned with is not letting go of this moment, not letting it slip away.

He buries his face in your hair and you completely lose your ability to think. “Karkat.” You shiver; your full name sounds so strange coming from him.

“What?” You mutter, curling into an even tighter ball in his lap. He carefully pushes your chin up to look at him. You study his face; his mismatched eyes, his soft, blood-flecked recessed frown. Every inch of you tingles as your eyes meet.

“KK, stop being an ass.” You furrow your eyebrows. “Seriously.” You scoff and look aside, but he catches your face, his hand gently papping against your cheek. He frowns when you let your head rest there. “You’re giving me the wrong idea.”

Your stomach drops. _He can see what a pity whore you are. How couldn’t he?_ You try to push the thought away, but it continues to mock you. “Why the fuck would you automatically assume I’m trying to be malicious?”

He smiles bitterly and looks aside. Your throat feels tight. “You’re such an insufferable moron and you don’t even see it.”

“Like you’re any better.”

“Heh.” He drags his fingers through your hair. “Whatever, KK.” Your head hurts. You just don’t want to lose him again. No, you _can’t_ lose him again.

You stumble over what words to say, but you finally land on something that seems as close to right as you can muster. “Are we friends?”

“Whatever. Idiot.” He sighs and you’re not sure what to do with it or what to make of that answer. “Sure.”

Your stomach churns. You should be happy, but something seems misplaced.

As the two of you continue to sit silently, fingers threaded through fingers, breathing in slow time together, you try with every ounce of your psyche to figure out what’s missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update (12/20/12): For anyone wondering what became of this story, the next chapter has been partially written for some time now, but I have come up against a block; I have been writing SolKat as too and EriKar too <3 to continue the story as originally intended. I put the story on hold while I tried to figure out how to rectify this.


End file.
